August 12 and Fencing Decisions

It's hard to believe that on Aug 12 I will have been fencing for one year.
A whole year.
Crazy.

When I walked in the door of that gym I remember being positively ill.
Ok. Well, I actually stopped at a gas station half-way there and got ill.
Just to be honest about it all.

I promised myself that I would give fencing one year.
I figured one year was enough to decide if I were going to be happy fencing.
If I would be able to understand it and figure it out.
If I had any potential in the sport.
If I would get along with my coach.
If I would get along with my fencing mates.
If this would be something God had for me long-term.

So. Here I am.
Just a few weeks out from Decision Day.

A thousand things are going through my head.
Mostly wondering what the answers to my questions are, here, a year later. (almost)

1. Do I get along with my coach? Quite well. She amazes me. And I have no doubt how much she loves me.

2. Do I get along with my fencing mates? Splendidly. They are some of the most awesome people I have ever known.

3. Do I have any potential in the sport? Well. Maybe. Not sure how to judge that.

4. Do I understand it and can I figure it out? No. I don't understand it. I am so confused every time I set foot on the strip.
But can I figure it out? Maybe. But I really want to start over from scratch and sort everything out.

5. Am I happy fencing? When I get on the strip and something makes sense even if I fail at the attempt. Yes. When I get on there and I feel lost & confused? No.

6. Most importantly....IS this something God has for me long-term. It would appear so. Absolutely everything seems to point in that direction, though I have never really understood why.

It's weird to me that Nationals came right here so close to my one year mark.
It disturbs me that it messed me up on so many deep levels.

I cannot remember the last time I felt that vulnerable.
Nor the last time I allowed anyone to SEE me that vulnerable.
Nor the last time I allowed someone to step into that vulnerable place.

And it wasn't an issue of winning or losing.
It was an issue of getting out there and feeling totally lost.
Absolutely confused.
Humiliated.
Devalued.
I hated that feeling.
I hate it every time I experience it at the fencing center.

Can I endure that for another year?
Can I find a place of understanding that will at least keep me from feeling dehumanized?

I'm not sure.

This past year has taught me alot.
It's true. It really is.
But if this next year is equally stripping...equally painful....another year of agonizing lessons.....
....well.....I just don't know.......
I really, truly don't know.

I wanted to learn to coach one day.
What a joke.
I cannot even figure it out for myself...how would I ever be able to explain it to someone else?
And I would not even know where to begin in explaining how sad and painful that is too.

But it seems to be where God has me.
And I do love my coach and I want to be with my fencing mates.
And Kelly said that we would fix this.
That we would make it all better.

And I believe her.

I find myself hoping this "second year" is the "second weapon" from my dream.....????

Maybe so. Maybe not.

But I have to decided by Aug 12......

Perspective - - Cutting Myself Some Slack

I woke up this morning with the oddest perspective on my night.....

Frustration?
Wait, I actually FEEL and EXPRESS frustration??
What a victory.
I'm actually fighting again.
Granted, it needs to be honed, refined, channeled better, whatever.
It doesn't look pretty. Not pretty at all.
But it's there.
I am actually fighting again.

What the.....?
Where did that come from?

And I'm defining my thoughts again.
Finding myself, with people other than Larry, saying "no, actually what I'm thinking is....."
I actually have an opinion.
No, better, I'm actually expressing it.

And I'm actually engaging in playful banter again.
With sarcasm.

And I actually asked someone of they were upset with me last night.
Out loud. In real life. Like, not in an email.

And I'm starting to see what I believe/think again, what I like, what would be fun to do.

And I'm trusting people.
And opening up with what's really going on in my heart & mind.

Dear God in heaven, I'M ALIVE.

When did that happen?

Ok, ok, yeah, I know it's not all that pretty.
But it's real.
Like unmasked sort of real.
Non-legalistic sort of real.

And I get to sift all that through and hone things.
(like in my fencing discovery of reflexes and such)
I get to figure it out again, without having to bow to the "have to's" and masking for survival.

You were right Selenia.
It IS a year of self-discovery.
Yes, you're right in that it is painful.
But I am emerging with a sense of....well....everything.

I actually feel frustration.
I am actually fighting through it.
I am fighting to figure out how I think.
WHY I think the way I do.
What's real and good and true about me and what needs to go.

I AM ALIVE.

And I am learning to stand my ground.
It's MY piste.
No, really, it is.

I have no idea what to do with that.
After a long life of....things.....and the death of 2 friends last year, which was the last straw....
.....I pretty much died inside.....
I crawled inside of myself emotionally and most thought I just wasn't going to make it.
It got to a point where I was allowed 2 weeks to start pulling out of my deep dark depression or be put on Prozac.

So the journey back into life began March of 2008.
Yep. A little over a year ago only.

And here I sit totally AMAZED that I am feeling and expressing frustration.
Because for me that a sign that I'm fighting.

And if I'm fighting then I am very, very alive.
And the next step for me is confidence.

Which could still be months off.
It took me a year to start fighting and standing on what I think is right.

But what a thought to know that I might be on the cusp of....confidence......assurance....

Wow.

Unveiling The Reasons

It's well after midnight.
My thoughts are crazily fuzzy from exhaustion...
All the better for being honest with myself about what is going on inside.

What is it with me?
I mean, really?

I wasn't always like this.
So unsure.
Insecure.

Where does this come from?

Oh God, where indeed?

Common consensus would be that it is a "mother wound".
Or, most certainly, shards from the woman who raped me in Mexico at 18.

But I don't think so.
I doubt I could delve into that any deeper than I have.
It seems more likely to be something I haven't really come to terms with.
And I'm pretty sure I can put my finger on it.

Leadership.
As I look into my heart and the way to react to things....
It's not really remnants of my fear of women....
Nor anything really that my parents did or neglected to do....

But instead having been stripped of every sliver of value and worth by poor leadership....
Over the last 10 years.
I can remember vividly the first one.
I was fine before that but I have never been the same since.
She shattered my confidence in myself.
And my relationship with God.
And it has gone downhill ever since.

Until I arrive at this place where, although I am no longer a bloody heap on the floor, I have absolutely no confidence in myself or my ability to do anything.
And I don't know how to recover from it.

Larry suspects that's why I'm fencing.
To re-gain some self-confidence.
To be under someone with character who is not tearing me to shreds.
To have those weird places in me exposed in a non-church environment.
But still dealt with and healed nevertheless.
Maybe so.

There's no doubt in my mind that God has placed me at KCFC to expose my soul.
That is an almost daily occurrence.
And, thankfully, He placed me with people that are trustworthy.

Now there's a weird experience now that I think about it.
It's crazy unusual for me to allow anyone access to my heart.
Regardless of how it appears I do have boundaries.
But here I am in a place with two people who can read me like a book.
Who have a level of access to my heart that is surpassed only by Larry.
Both of them are in leadership at the center of a sort.
And I actually trust them both.
Now that is so not like me.
I can count only two other people in my lifetime who have that kind of access.

But. If I am correct in my assessment then it makes sense.
If destructive leadership is what I am struggling to over come then I can see God using good leadership to give me space to be real and heal.
Ugh.
One man. One woman.
Now there's efficiency since both men and women leaders have rendered my soul unusable.

And let's add to the fact that I am friends with them too.
Now that adds value.

And since I trust men a bit more easily than women, it also makes sense why God told me who Kelly is. So I would trust her.

Hm.
So, what do I do with this God?
I am so weary.
Weary of my own frustrations.
Weary of being unsure of myself.
Weary of being the worst fencer in the club.
Weary of my own insecurities.
Just flat weary.

How do I come to terms with poor past leadership?
With being left out, told I wasn't good enough, not getting to do the things I loved, being told horrible things about myself (that weren't true but rended my soul anyhow) etc etc etc.
How do you get over things like that?
They're still in my thinking patterns.
I heard it so much I believed it.
I still believe it.

Where do I even begin to sort it all out?

I'm weary God.
How do I hold my head up?
How?
I don't know what I'm good at.
I doubt I'd have a chance to do it anyway.
I fear being proud if I AM good at it.
I fear being strong almost more than I fear feeling worthless.
Where do you go with something like that, eh?

Hm.
Maybe I do think too much.
And it's almost 1am.
Well, at least I know what I have to face.
Those leaders.
Church leaders.
Ministry leaders.
Oh Jesus, why are we so rough with each other....?

And oh the fear that I am the same.

Huh.
I think that's part of why I avoid being strong.
Or of trying.
Granted one part is fear of being torn to shreds again or of failing.
But part is because I don't want to be strong and do to someone else what was done to me.
However inadvertent it might be.
Strength and leadership were never meant to destroy.
But to lift up. To empower.

And I had not seen that until.....well.....now.

Take Time to Deliberate....

I realize no one can get inside my head except me.

Thus, no one can really understand the questions and struggles.
Nor can they come up with the solution.

Part of that problem is that as people we so rarely really listen.
I don't care what the topic...theology, car mechanics, fencing....
....we sit prepared with our pat "sunday school" answer that we have in our heads...
...and we spew it out regardless of whether or not it actually pertains to the question.....
And we feel great about ourselves, assume the other person is just an idiot if they don't get our terrific answer and go our merry way.

But we have not heard nor touched the heart.

God spare me from living this way towards others.
Especially towards those I love.

Realizing this, I understand that I alone can solve my fencing questions.
I, really, am the only one inside my head.
I alone know how I process and how I tick.
And the way I do it just is ok. I need to grasp this reality.
Even if it means I have to analyze fencing to death, pick it apart and then apply it.

Sort of like Napoleon Bonaparte saying:

"Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go in."

I have failed to take the time to deliberate.
I stopped thinking, I detoured off of what I knew I needed to do, and now the consequences are rearing their ugly heads. Mostly in my own attitude.

I need the time to deliberate so that when the time for action comes, I can go in.

And that's ok.
It's just me.
And that really is ok.
Hm.

It's true for fencing.

It's also true for my relationship with God.

But that's a whole 'nother blog......

St.Pat's Slash - - The Defining Moment

Winning is fun.
Medals are great.
But that's not what defines the greatest moments in a tournament for me.

Granted, I tend to "show my colors" a bit more than I should in my home club...
...but my greatest desire in a tournament is not to win but to come away with my integrity and character intact.

Sherraine Schalm, Canadian Olympic Epee Fencer, in her book "Running with Swords" says : " Only people who pursue goodness instead of greatness can make adversaries into friends."

Although I am not the best at it my desire truly is to pursue goodness.
Greatness as a bonus wouldn't be too awful though. ;)

So...
I win my semi-final bout and am up for a shot at the gold.

I go over to watch the other two women who are fencing, wondering who my opponent will be.
One is a 19 year old and the other a lady in her 50's.
One older than me and the other young enough to be my daughter.

It's a close bout but goes to the young lady. 15 - 14.
The shake hands but then the older woman turns around and slams her mask into the floor.
The young lady who won looked like she felt guilty.
It was a rough moment.

After a 10 minute break she and I go onto the piste to see who will end up with gold.
Off we go and at 14-14 the time runs out.
The Director flips a coin and she gets the toss (priority), meaning, if I do not get a point she will win the bout.
Ugh. I always hate that.

So, we fence. I have one minute to get this done and I do not succeed.
I lost.

Off come the masks.

We shake hands and with great joy and all sincerity (she fought an amazing bout!!) I look her in the eye and say "it was SUCH a privilege fencing you! Well done."

I didn't think I had done anything impressive, I was just being who I am, but as I said that she dropped her mask, and hugged me.
I just held her for a few moments, reassuring her that it really was ok and she had done well.
She said "thank you"
and we both walked away.

Yes, I didn't get the gold.
But I know I walked away with something way more important that could have never occurred had I won.

Feminine Fighters - - A Delightful Paradox?

The one lesson I have not yet taught in PureHeart is "The True Feminine."

Maybe it's the one I'll be teaching in April/May for it's sure been on my mind lately.

And even moreso this week as I mull over what it might look like to fight in real life, as opposed to in a tournament.

What does that look like as woman?

Is it possible to be formidable in battle and still be....well.....female?

Do I have to maintain a constant desire to run around shooting people, being strong, winning everything, having a "get over it" attitude?

On the other hand, do I always have to be weeping over things, patting an offender's hand, being all mushy, compassionate, blowing every offense off or whatever?

A la Dean Sherman (YWAM) I am aware that (and I quote) "if you stand naked in front of a mirror and you have female parts you are a real woman, if you have male parts, you are a real man."

True. But there's a bit more to it than that.

What makes one not female, but feminine, and can that be maintained in a battle?

I believe, that what makes one feminine is the inner world.
The state of the heart.
How you treat people.
Being tender yet strong.
Not outward adornment, as it were, but inner beauty.
Wholeness, steadiness, strength, compassion, gentleness, good boundaries.
Steel Magnolias.

I had a friend who was, ah, "switching lifestyles" and went on an irritating tangent about pink.
It became as if every woman had to wear pink.
If you wore a pink shirt automatically you were feminine.
It absolutely drove me insane.
To the point where I was ordering a fencing bag and informed Kelly that it could not be pink.
I kept thinking in this situation: "no, you're a jerk, that's what makes you not feminine. Not the lack of a pink shirt. Honey, tenderize your heart."

Yah. It makes sense.
The inner workings of the heart.
The ability to be vulnerable and walking in that.
Gentleness, kindness, tenderness.
But also knowing when to be tough.
Not mean, not a jerk, just standing firm.

So, it is possible then to be a feminine fighter.

It's to not live in a puddle all the time.
It's to not be angry and cynical ever.
It is to be tough and know when to fight.
And fighting hard.
And weeping afterwards because the world should not have to be this way.

It's being both and all.
Knowing when.

Appropriateness.

True Femininity.

Scary Men with Weapons - - Learning to Deal

Mike made a comment Thursday night that was so funny at the time....and now very....well.....thought provoking.

The comment was made when I was getting ready to fence a counterattacker (which stresses me to no end) and Mike said I should get out there and deal with my fears.

I laughed and made some comment about how that's all I've been doing for the past 6 months.

This morning I was reflecting back on that and realized that God really has been taking me through a journey of dealing with my fears. Especially these past 6 months at the Fencing Center.

As I thought back on blogs I have written and different incidents it becomes so obvious that two things are occurring.

One - - learning how not to fear big scary men with weapons.
Two - - dealing with my heart with the angle of pulling out the "tough/stand in"side of me.

In light of things that have come up recently I cannot help but wonder.
"Things that make you go...hmmmmm."

Hm, indeed.

Granted, there are a few other things in the mix.
But the majority of what has been happening is dealing with fear.

Fear of others...
....like men with scary swords...
....people I cannot figure out how to relate to well....
....fear of destroying someone else even though my heart is right....

And fear of myself....
.....of unleashing my own heart....
.....fear of trusting my own heart....
.....fear of "becoming"....

Oh, and fear of failure. We're hacking on that one right now.
Of giving my best and it not being good enough.
Thus my team loses.....or, translated, someone dies.....

It's the core of my "perfection".
....what if I fail and someone else gets hurt or loses or....dies?

Anyway,
Yes, dealing with fear of scary men with weapons.

Interesting.

Yes, Kelly, with Authority

There's a look in my eye that I remember from times long gone.
Confidence. Strength. Assuredness. Authority. Calculated, no less.

Yes, I remember.
But I had forgotten.
Or maybe....well, maybe....I quit on it.
No, I think I set it aside because it was no longer appropriate.
Hm. Both.

Yes, it's not that I cannot be decisive and in full command.
It's that right now the authority is not mine.
I know what I am capable of.
It just hasn't been the time or the place.

But, also, I had forgotten.

At least until this past Wednesday night.

How does Kelly do it?
I swear.
It's so jolting, these bolts out of the blue, and thus so deeply impacting.

A simple fencing drill.
We are laughing, cutting up, having a good time as we are wont to do on occasion.
Then Kelly looks at me and says I need to have authority..."take my blade with authority"...
What the heck?
(Hello, out of nowhere.)
It jolted me for an instant and has not left me since.

Authority.
Geez. First it was cockiness, now it's authority.
Yes, I hear. Yes, I understand.
I cannot explain it but it went through my soul like a knife through hot butter.
I absolutely must learn to walk in authority again.
It's true.

But, where?
It's not my place to do so in the fencing center.
I am not in charge, Kelly is.
I have bowed to that, maybe too much, since I walked in the door.
But, if you cannot follow well, you cannot lead well.
At work I have the same paradox.

Hm.

Maybe it's an internal thing.
A paradigm shift that merely stands at the ready.

At any rate, it was a much needed word.
Yes, "cocky", as it were.
Moreso, authority.

And suddenly it may matter more than I realized.
Which I cannot expound on via internet.

I think I'll go out and rent Mission Impossible......

Fencing & Boundaries

Fencing is an odd thing.
Driving home last night I got it....really got it....for the first time.

THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT.

All those times, all those years, all those things.
They really did not have the right. No one has that right.

It was a serious epiphany.
I never really got it before.
Not inside.
In my head, yes, ok.
But not in my emotions.
In my heart.
In the deepest depths of my inner man.

I thought "laying down your rights" meant laying down everything that you are.
No. No, damnit, just no.

Maybe it means laying down my right to a new car.
Or to living in the city I choose.
Or maybe even the right to my physical life.
But it does not mean laying down or giving up ownership of myself.

I cannot explain this.

And it does not mean I get to be a jerk.
The gentles heart remains.
But not a heart than allows itself to be internally violated.
It does not kill the fire that burns deep within my spirit NOR the one in my soul.

I cannot explain it.
But I get it.

You do not have the right.
This is my strip. Get the hell of off it.

"Gee, I'm really sorry you have to die."

"Gee, I'm Really Sorry You Have To Die"

A friend of mine at the Office gave us all a link to the Meyers-Briggs Personality Test.

I took it and it came out so accurate it was almost frightening!

As expected, my personality was one that less than 2% of the human race has.
A strong leadership personality.

The details got me thinking and realizing that, although all things can be taken to an unhealthy extreme, so many of the things I have been tucking away are just good parts of who I am.

Actaully the way God created me to be.
Parts I found myself opening up last night in fencing.....

Two quotes I loved:

TRADEMARK: -- "I'm really sorry you have to die."
(I love this becasue it shows the mix of compassion with a warrior)

Decisive. They see what needs to be done, and frequently assign roles to their fellows.
Few other types can equal their ability to remain resolute in conflict, sending the valiant (and often leading the charge) into the mouth of hell.

There was so much more.....but I'll leave it at this because it's just fun.

Oh that this would continue to come open in me and be channeled properly!! ;)

(inside voice, Leigh, inside voice)

Caribbean Blue

I'm reading a book entitled Blue Like Jazz.
Blue.
Blue is deep.
Like the Caribbean when you're out to sea.
Caribbean Blue.
Fathomless.
Anything of depth and excitement is blue.
I like blue.
Alot.

I was working on someone's transcript the other day.
She got an "F" in her "Excellencies of Christ" class.
I know this person. She's a friend of mine.
Most of you would know her too.
And right now she's in Africa.
She prays and God raises people from the dead.
No, for real.
And she got an "F" in a Bible College class.
Cool.
I thought....it's true.....it's not the head knowledge but the heart knowledge.
She knows God.
And she therefore walks in her calling.
So what if her ability to pass a class was up to par or not.
Our identity is not in our ability to accomplish.
It's in Who we know and His ability to accomplish through us.
Partnering with Jesus.
Caribbean Blue.

Granted the dead are not raised when I pray.
Not even the mouse in NC that I prayed for.
My shadow does not heal anyone when I walk by.
Maybe that's not my calling.
Maybe it will be.
Either way it's ok.
My identity is not in what I know. Nor can in be in what I do.
Or cannot do.
What is needed is to know God. With the heart. Relationship. Real relationship.
Caribbean Blue.

I am in the place I am called to be.
I am doing the very thing I have been asked to do.
I fence. I work so I can fence. I love.
I fence well one day. Not so well the next.
Work is stressful today. Tomorrow it's good.
I am the prefect friend today. I do something idiotic tomorrow.
Life is rich and full and overflowing.
It is abundant.
It's growing and stretching and becoming.
It is not prefect. I am not perfect. It's a journey of growth.
I am not suggesting I stay where I am.
I am suggesting that I remain fully human while reaching for the fullness of my humanity.
Growth.
The now and not yet colliding in my soul.
Working it out in exaltation with trembling.
Caribbean Blue.

I think about pride.
Thinking too highly of yourself.
But also thinking too lowly of yourself.
Self-absorption is a killer.
Not that we should never take ourselves in hand.
We should. Otherwise we won't grow and continue to reach for our fullness.
But, as Kelly taught me, there is mercy to be had for oneself.
There is also a re-calibration. Better if it's quick.
Sometimes there is healing and it's a bit longer.
But to be fully alive and fully human is, not to never focus on the self, but to move past the absorption part.

Caribbean Blue.

Running with Swords

Funny, I came out into the garage to do my daily fencing work-out.

Instead I am sitting in the floor.
Contemplating.

I am surrounded by the objects that represent my life.
A piste covered by fencing gear.
A prayer space complete with Eucharistic paraphernalia.
Books scattered around my feet as they spill from my bookcase.
My life.
This is who I am.

The books?
Shadow of the Almighty.
In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day.
Epee 2.0
All That Was Ever Ours.
Running with Swords.

There's the one that screams my life.
Running with Swords.

It's supposed to be one of those expressions that gets you a "U" on your report card.
Like under "plays well with others".....
But to me it screams "LIFE!"
As in "grab a sword and run towards......"

That's who I am.
It's who I've always, always, always been.
A gentle warrior.
A lover of God. A lover of people.
But one who is not afraid to stand ground and fight.
Even more, one who grabs a sword and runs.

Indeed.
This is my strip.
These are my friends.
This is who I love and what I love.
This is what is honorable and right and true.
Holy and pure and just.
Joyful and full of life.
Very full of life.
This is what I have been given to do.
This is who I was created to be.
Get off my strip or fight.
I may not win. But I will die trying.
For the sake of love.
Because it's good and right that I do so.
And because everything I am wants to.................

I have a candle lit next to me.
It emits the scents of balsam and frankincense and myrrh.
It calls my soul to worship.
It thus stirs my memory.
And whispers......
All that was ever ours is ours forever, tender warrior.

The good and the bad.
It's mine forever.
Will it destroy or give growth?
My own memories, now having gone through the healing process, can destroy or lift up.
Both myself and others........

Be fully alive.
Be fully alive.
Run with your sword.

Love well.
Love well.
Run with your sword.

Rise up.
Rise up.
Run with your sword.

Worship.
Worship.
Run with your sword.

RUN WITH YOUR SWORD.

Fighting "Cocky" - - A Kelly Fencing Lesson and Then Some

"Cocky", related to "cocksure", defined as "prefectly sure or certain, completely confident."

Last night, at the beginning of a fencing lesson, practicing something that threatens me to no end but that I must get over...

....Kelly made the comment that I needed to fence cocky.
With an attitude of "this is my strip. you want to hit me? come try"

Several thoughts/reactions zoomed through me:
1. "Well that's nice for someone who's good enough to think that."
2. "I'm supposed to have WHAT kind of attitude?"
3. Sheer terror: "Live with assurance and confidence? You're kidding, right?"

Needless to say, I did not come out of that practice drill feeling cocky.
I felt threatened to the point of severe stress.

Sadly, I once did live life from a place of assurance, confidence, whatever.
It took about 10 people 20 years to get it out of me.
So it was there pretty solid.
And now it's gone pretty solidly.

And I find that I miss it.
I really really miss it.

But how do you get it back?
My Rome wasn't torn down in a day.
It took 20 years.
How do you rebuild it and how long does it take?

Or maybe it really is just a decision.

I know it's there. I so know it's there.
I am fully aware of what kind of authority, power, control, whatever that I carry.
It's that "thing" that unnerves people when they don't know what to expect.

But I'm afraid of it.
Afraid, and aware, that if I ever ever use it wrongly it would be destructive beyond explanation.

I think I really am choosing not to fight/live cocky.
Which, now that Kelly has pointed it out, is really stupid.

So, I guess I've just become familiar with living in a position I was not created to live in.

Oh and all the better when we hyper-spiritualize it.
Which I have been handed ad nauseum.
Somehow I have been taught that "vengeance is mine, thus sayeth the Lord" and "be meek" means "don't ever have any assurance, don't ever defend yourself, don't be strong, don't admit you have any gifts/talents, downplay your very existence."
Maybe that is a bulls*@# interpretation.
I think it is.
Maybe the interpretation is: "don't rip someone's head off and be a jerk just because they were mean, instead, bluntly but kindly state that they are wrong and deal with it."
I'm pretty sure that's what my New Testament says.
Now that I am really honest with my own heart.

Rabbit trails aside, back to fighting cocky.

Kelly's comment, which was right on, made me think of a conversation with Jane yesterday.
I think God is trying to drive home a point.
Like that never happens at the fencing center.

Anyway.
Jane was talking to me about how she had seen a real sword in my hand in the Spirit.
That I had a calling on my life for deliverance.

Funny. That's exactly the call Kelly has on her life.
Even though I see so much of myself (or who I was) in her, I never put that one together.

So, yeah, I told Jane a story about what happened two years ago that caused me to "fear" my own authority.
It involved a battle I was engaged in with a witchcraft spirit over the life of a friend.
The authority that rose up in me was unbelievable.
In the spirit you could see it as a white cloud coming forth from my gut.
The spirit vanished instantly.
I was shocked by the measure of authority and shut down thinking if something like that were ever misused it would be horrid.
And I feared the misuse.
Too much so.

Damn it.
I think I shut down completely during that season.
...maybe here is the key to cockiness....
.....to assurance and confidence.....
.....both in the physical and the spiritual.....

I cannot stay shut down.
Not on any level.

And I hear Kelly again echoing in my head "Leigh, you just take things too far."
And I hear Jessica aggravating me because I "remove everything for a 100 miles radius".
Both are the same principle.

I need to make an honest assessment of where I am...
....whether in fencing....my spiritual life....whatever....
and function from that place of reality.
THAT is true humility.

I need wisdom in my walking,
but there is no call to think less of myself that I ought
anymore than I should think more highly of myself than I ought.

God, forgive me.
What have I done?

Kelly is so right --
This IS my strip.
And I want to fight "cocky"....

A Rough and Tumble, Unrestrained Joy

So says the quote from Selenia's magazine game that I carry around in my Bible.

"A ROUGH AND TUMBLE, UNRESTRAINED JOY"

One of my two life mottos for the moment, in spite of the fact that there is digging at my heart with spoons in order to get there. :)

The other is "LOVE WELL."

Both scream to me "live exuberantly. fully. from the heart!"

If you follow my blogs you know this is not a blind PollyAnna life style.
I am not naive, innocent of nor blind to, the things that go on in this world.
Shoot, many of them have happened to me.

EVENSO!
"Live a life of rough and tumble unrestrained joy while loving well!"

Even so.... the Greek translation is: "despite everything to the contrary".

Despite everything to the contrary,
live a life of rough and tumble, unrestrained joy while loving well!"

LOL!
Yes, it's good.

It makes me think of Benaiah and how he went down into a pit and killed a lion on a snowy day.

Lions are scary, snowy days dangerous, pits unnerving.....but the desire to love well and live in unrestrained joy call us to go into the pit on that snowy day and kill the lion. (preferably with a sword).

Despite everything to the contrary,
live a life of rough and tumble, unrestrained joy while loving well.

Me? Well.......

I think of wrestling Mike (or a semi-reasonable facsimile) in the fencing club....which I should have done with my inside voice. ;)
But it was indeed a moment of rough and tumble unrestrained joy.

And it makes me think of drilling with Kelly when she has me laughing so much I can't concentrate anymore.
Unrestrained joy.

It makes me think of making obnoxious comments with Kevin and balancing pepper shakers while at an office lunch and Jane, my boss, commenting that she just can't take me anywhere.
Unrestrained joy.

It's putting on my headphones and dancing in the garden.
The stirring of tenderness when I look at my wonderful husband.
Feeling the nearness of Jesus when I wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night.
Hearing Anita London pray up the hall and all going out to join in.

It's going to a tournament and making new friends.
Having the feel of a blade in my hand and working out in the garage.
Fencing sabre when I don't have a clue HOW.
Hanging out with fencing friends at BW3 until late laughing.

It's making a game out of a task.
Finding fun in the mundane.

It's even being deep and intense.
It's sitting for hours in silence.

It's seeing people set free.
It's listening when you'd rather not.
It's walking in good character when it's hard.
It's integrity.
It's keeping your word.
Rough and tumble.
Loving well.

It's having a tender moment with a friend you deeply love.
Unrestrained joy.

It's even the stirrings of hoping for a friendship.
The bittersweetness of uncertainty.
The joy and anticipation of hope.
Rough and tumble.
Trying to love well.

It's the reconnecting with friends from the past.
Looking forward to seeing them again.
Unrestrained joy.

The knowledge that you have ones that, even when things have gotten hard, will stand in and keep going.
Rough and tumble, surely.
Unrestrained joy also.

It's crying your guts out in an effort to heal so that you might love better.
It's allowing others to cry their guts out.
Rough and tumble.
Loving well.

It's living to the fullest extent everything that you were created to be.
(not the weird broken heartless things that you have taken on)
It's being fully human and thus fully alive.

It's living the paradox.

Rough and tumble.
Unrestrained joy.
Loving well......


Despite everything to the contrary,
live a life of rough and tumble, unrestrained joy while loving well.

Skewered: A Difficult Weakness (and yes, my hormones are a bloody mess today)

What is it about being at the deadly end of a weapon that brings the deepest vulnerabilities of my soul to the surface? I wish I knew.

It's been a weird week.

For quite a while now, maybe even a whole month, things have been somewhat settled and fine.

This has left me nothing to write about but at least God and I were not grabbing spoons and digging things out of my gut. Gee, could we ever use a knife and make it quick and easy? Oh well.

Thankfully we are at the tail-end of everything....which I guess is why things are coming up and getting dealt with quickly. And better to finally have things gone, it's so much easier after that.
Cleaner.
Healed.
Like the fear thing.
I'm really glad that one surfaced and got quickly dealt with. (thank you Anita!)

So, a whole calm month and now we're back to spoons.

If I'm honest, the reason it's been calm is I had my heart just walled off with an "I just really don't care, whatever" glaze that let things slide off like water from a duck's back but wasn't real and didn't allow for honesty nor thus true intimacy, and certainly no growth and healing.
That really is only found through being the true self.

Yet I am also seeing that letting the true self emerge creates it's own set of problems.

You do/say things that even you know better than to do/say and you have to re-calibrate.
You allow real parts of your personality to emerge and they frustrate people....again.
Like the need to think things through and process.
Or worse, the fact that I think and process a bit differently (as pointed out again and again through life)....
I think almost backwards when trying to problem solve (thanks to Sam who finally pinpointed this) ...much to everyone's great confusion and frustration.

So, yes, all of this is churning around in me and surfacing in the fencing club....even if it isn't all happening there.....

Where else would God choose to deal with me?

The frustrating thing about having all of this constantly surface is that no one on the planet right now could possibly be more loved and encouraged than I am.
And surely not more supported.
So I hate the fact that I cannot just settle down and "be normal" and "just get over it".

Yet I know that I am at the tail end of finally being able to completely heal and release the last remnants of past junk because no one on the planet right now could possibly be more loved and encouraged than I am. And surely not more supported.

(Geez but I feel sorry for the precious ones that I work with and fence with.)

Anyway..... so what is it this month?

First, I've found that I have very little instinct to defend myself.
I either want to back away (not so common), just stand there and get hit, merely flinch a little or finally step into an attack with the intent to impale.....even if I get nicked in the process.
It's gotten a little weird to me that I want to wade right into the attack and not wait for an opening.

Especially when I am very threatened, like with Kelly in the drill we were doing yesterday, I still feel like I'm fighting for my very life.
Suddenly it's not a sport or a game.
And I either tense and cower and let myself be "killed" as it were or I finally get cornered, stand my ground and go straight into the attack without thought aiming right for the heart.
It rarely occurs to me to aim for an arm or knee for a "point"....no....I want to take the threat out completely.
At least if I'm fencing "from my guts" without thinking.
If I think I'm ok.
Which is indicative of something.

Which can be seen throughout my life (emotionally not physically!) and it explains a lot.
A whole heck of alot.
I tend to stand there and take things and take things and take things until I explode.
I have been taught not to defend myself or stand up for myself or my thoughts/opinions.
And I have apparently been taught too well which leads to a whole other set of problems.

Second to arise..... the raw spot of rejection.
Coupled with the really raw spot of being misinterpreted and/or misunderstood.
(which is why I don't like for people to "assume" what I'm thinking....)

Then, thanks to those who care enough about me to desire that I would overcome, it was pointed out that I spend too much time saying "I can't" (ala Mike) and that I just have no confidence in myself. (ala Jake)

And it's true. I know it's true.
But how do I overcome that? I have no idea.
Too many years of just being torn down and shredded....
Told that I wasn't any good....
Treated like I wasn't any good......
Until I believed it and was worn down to a nub.

And I have learned that if I hide who I am (both strong and vulnerable parts)
....hide that I am smart
....hide that if I worked hard I might be able to do something (but I do need to work hard)
....hide the fact that I really need to think something through to "get it"
..... hide the dreams and desires
.....hide my exuberance and my loud laugh and my playfulness
.....hide my analytical, deep, serious side

If I hide all these things and am not my real self then I cannot be rejected.
I cannot be misunderstood.
I will not frustrate people.
I am capable of playing the game. I really am.

And if I believe first that I suck then no one else can hurt me by either saying it or giving me the "you're an idiot" look.
I'm safe.
Or so I think........

But I have seen the other side over and over as well.
My ability to be real, to be open, to be honest about my "past" etc etc does at times give others the freedom to open up and be real.
And sometimes gives them the freedom to be their true self.
There is great, great benefit in that.
Great benefit.

And I have seen/learned/been through enough that I am not quick to judge, reject, treat you like you're stupid etc. (although I admit I am not perfect at this)


Maybe that's loving well.....which is my highest goal in life.

Maybe my standing there in pools of my own blood....
....whether because I'm working through something to improve (skill-wise or emotion-wise)
....or I am choosing to live wholly out of myself even if misunderstood or rejected at some level
....or the fact that I continue to fell under-par with fencing no matter what I do ;)
is the thing that will free someone else I am in contact with in life.

Maybe.
I've seen it before.
Multiple times.

The laying down of your own life that others might live.

Kinda like teaching.....or coaching.....you lay yourself down that others might gain.

Hm. Maybe.

So, what is it about being at the deadly end of a weapon that brings the deepest vulnerabilities of my soul to the surface?

Not sure, but I hope I have the sense to grab the bull by the horns, even though it hurts like hell and I am choosing a difficult weakness, and let God finish putting my pieces back together so I can come out stronger......

Of Fencing and Killing Lions On Snowy Days

II Samuel 23:20b "He (Benaiah) also went down and killed a lion in the middle of a pit on a snowy day."

This verse has always fascinated me.
And the other day I discovered a book entitled "In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day."
Needless to say I could not resist it.

It was about conquering your fears and going after life whole-heartedly.

Huh. Very appropriate since that's where I find myself these days. This whole past year actaully. Going down into pits to kill lions.

It was odd that the opening chapter contained thoughts on how Benaiah was the under-dog in the fight on that snowy day. The author observed that no one would have bet on Benaiah to win. But he did. And in the process the author observed he probably was conquering fears.

Granted, none of us was there, nevertheless I cannot imagine chasing a lion into a pit of any kind and not having the fear/exhilaration adrenaline mix.

So, my point?

As I read that section it stuck me that I too killed a lion on a snowy day.
Sunday twas a week ago in Lincoln, NE (on a very snowy day.)

I cannot fully explain it all.
Yet, I KNOW that it was a God-thing.
There really is no other explanation.
And it did build a confidence in me.
It also settled me down at various internal levels.

For, indeed, fencing and all the things it has been dragging out of my inner man, has been a lion.

I have found myself in so many fearful situations.
On spiritual, physical, emotional and relational levels.
I have discovered good things about myself and rough edges that really need to be filed.
And I have encountered God.

I have been battling lions in the fencing center for almost 6 months.
And I know that there are more to come for God is using fencing for fencing's sake but He is also preparing me for other things.
There are more fears.....more lions.....that will need to be dealt with.

NEVERTHELESS.

I killed a lion on a snowy day.

Indeed, maybe all things are possible with God. ;)

Ode to Good Character in the Fencing World - or - Those Amazing Ladies in Nebraska

After wrangling over God in my last blog let's go to something a little lighter.

Like character. As if that's light. ;)

Anyway.

If you know me very well at all you can see the fun I'm having through my body language in this picture. I just learned to like these women so much!! And they are most all grinning at me as I just climbed up on that podium.

They were so unbelievably awesome. And I'm excited that we are all planning to be at a Tournament together in May in St. Louis. I cannot wait to see them again.

Which brings me to the topic of this blog.

Character.

Those who have known me since I could walk know that most of my life I have believed that character really mattered. Then I went through a long season where I saw so many people that thought it didn't and I begin to believe maybe I was wrong. Got to the point where I was just weary of it and started to think it just wasn't worth the effort.

I had thought it was a part of loving well (which is the goal of my life even though I am still learning thus not so good at it) but it didn't seem to bless anyone.

So. I was on the verge of just giving it up. Then I encountered fencing. And Kelly.
(Which is a previous blog.)

As a result of those two factors I re-grasped that character really does matter.
How you treat people IS important.
They should be honored by your actions, or at least the clean-up of your actions, even if they do not understand or appreciate it.

So, I went into this tournament in NE with my highest goal being "love well through actions, attitude and character." I could not have cared less if I won or not.

Apparently I was not the only one with this desire.

These women were off the charts awesome.
They found out it was my second ever tournament and that I had only been fencing 5 months and they totally took me under their wing. Not that they didn't fence their guts out with me, they did.

But thus I saw that balance I hoped existed. The "I am your friend off the strip, I am gracious and mannerly on the strip, but I will do everything I can to beat your behind when we're out there. But, kindly." I want to be like this!!!

We all gave each other a run for our money, yes. Almost every match was really close.
And off the strip they gave me advice.
Praised me on all the things I did right.
Never once looked at me like I was an idiot or talked to me like I was an idiot...... like when Karen was talking about the fencing season and I said "oh! there's a fencing season?" She looked surprised and I said "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a fencing season" to which she responded "No, no that's ok. Here, I'll explain it to you." And she did.

I learned so much from these women because they too loved the sport and wanted to share that love and all possible information with me. It was so obvious that, for them as for me, this was about relationship not just about fencing.

Sure, you tired hard. Sure, you trained hard. But before everthing else was relationship.

And, as I've said, they did it well. Thus is good character.

When I got hurt they apologized. And gathered around to help fix it.
When I was confused they explained.
When I was lost they gave me direction.
When I complimented, encouraged or apologized they didnt blow me off but said "thank you."
After I beat them in DEs they became my coaches.
Two ladies, Karen and Kat coached me through the gold medal bout.
IT WAS SO AMAZING.
I don;t think I've ever seen anything like this in my life.

I afterwards wondered how I did with my goal.
And I reflected back on comments and looks from everyone and think I also acheived my goal.

When we all gathered I introduced myself and got everyone's names.
I'm naturally shy with strangers even though I love people so this is always hard.

When on the strip and my opponent scored a touch I always got excited with them.
This is normal for me but once I caught the pleasantly surprised looks of the others and thought "Oh! I loved well!!" (whew)

Several people commented on how I kept calm and was always poised on the strip no matter what happened. Also a relief because I feared getting frustrated or upset like I can at home.

But I think the most relief filled moment was after it was all over and Karen said to me that she was so pleased that I had been there because even with all that happened I was not at all arrogant about it.

And I came out of it with friends that I look forward to seeing again in a few months.
I guess that is the greatest indicator of having loved well and shown good character on all of our parts.

I guess it is worth it. For sometimes the fruit of good character is happy relationship. :)

And as I write this I realize that I need to clean up my act at home a little.
Those I am with the most should get my best, not my worst.
I really really want to love well.
Very well.

Character.

Thanks ladies for everything......

Filleted by an Icicle

My soul, spirit, heart...pick a part....was laid open on so many levels at the Icicle Invitational this weekend. There are more angles on this than I know what to do with.

Thus, I may be generating several blogs.
Some fun...others just....deep.

This one....a bit on the deep side.
(Although I look forward to getting to one that explores the sense of wonder later today.)

But for the moment I am looking at this, once again, from the "why God?" perspective.

My dear friend Marnie made a comment today on FaceBook that again got me thinking "why God?". Like, really, WHY? Where are we going with this? What are You thinking? And "dang! I should spend New Year's in Trappist Monasteries more often if Gold Medals and E ratings are the result!" ;)

The main reality of Sunday's Tournament is God. No, for real. Ok, yes there was some skill involved thanks to the coaching and teaching I received and one experienced fencer made the comment that it was amazing that I could do "XYZ" moves and etc in only 5 months and I obviously had natural talent...that was way interesting...not sure if that's true or not. So, that does exist and I'll get to that in a later blog too....

.....nevertheless.....

....the reality is THIS SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IN ONLY 5 MONTHS.

And I knew that going into it.
My desire and goal for the day (other than not getting sick, which I didn't do) was to go, meet some neat people, have a good time with them, and see if there was a difference between fencing men all the time and fencing women.

I attained all my goals. It was one of the most fun days of my life ever in that regard....
....but I also walked away with a Championship and an E rating....
What the heck?

I have finally arrived at the place where I can accept that because God is so in love with me, as with us all, He has given me fencing, the relationships therein and the wonder and joy of it.

I mean, I really do love the feel of that sword in my hand.
I've always been sort of like that and now I really get to do it.
So, I can easily go with the fact that I had a good day because God just poured out.

But winning? Hello! I expect some of that element is still involved but it throws me, again, into, where are You going with this???

If it truly is all about life lessons and encouragement...about coming alive again and finding joy....about long buried parts of my personality being called back into life....well we are surely accomplishing that!

If it's about realizing I can be "good" at something, or better, if I can succeed and no one is threatened by that but instead cheer, encourage me, and state how proud they are of me (which is not a normal thing for me to see)...then we definitely accomplished that as well. I was waiting to lose all my friends over this, esp my fencing ones, and it did not happen. They are so amazing. Where did God find people like this and why did He allow me to be around them???

So, yes, for those of you who know about the "Leigh do you have any idea how much you are loved" dream, allow me to tell you "Yes! I am getting a clue from all of you!!" (if you don't know about it, feel free to ask)

But a trophy? A rating? Why?

So, the question I have been struggling with for months comes again. Have much do I give myself to this???? Compared to other activities.....not compared to how much I give myself to God.

Every single point I fought for I went into it asking God to fence with me, stating (as I learned from Sherraine Schalm's book Running with Swords) that this did not define me, God does, and it was up to Him whether or not I got the touch/won the bout. So, I fence with God. Or, better, I am learning to fence with God......also thanks to Brandon Carter and his gutsy to-the-point lesson on that.

So, God fences with me. I fence with God. The Dust of Heaven sprinkled on the dust of earth.
It is not about choosing between God and fencing or whatever.
I can do this with Him, as I should.

It's not a question of whether or not He intends to love me in and through this.
It's obvious that He does.

What I can't get is.....how much do I give myself to this as opposed to other activities?
Is this the road God really does want me to walk with Him?
At some level, yes, but what does that level look like?

I mean, yes, it was a small event.
Yes, I should not have "won", in theory....even if I had been fencing only two 80 year olds.
No, I do not believe God loves me more than anyone else there.

And, yes, at least some of it was skill.
The sword was in my hand.
And I did come home with a trophy and a rating.
So at come level, something is possible.

Let's be balanced about this.

So, God, once again I ask.....
What are You thinking?
Where are we going with this?
Why are we going there?
Who are we going with?
And how can I partner with You in it?

There you are
just you for a moment
participating in the sport where everyone
is masked and carrying their own weapon.

There you are
smiling beneath it all
feeling a focus
and a freedom like no other.
Thinking, but not time to think
like chess at 300 miles per hour.

There you are
in technique, tactics,
actions, mobility, speed,
methodology, finesse
and improvisation.

There you are alone,
where all time stands still,
within yourself,
under your mask, beyond your weapon.


For the love of the moment.



(from America Fencing Magazine)

You Know You're A Fencer When....

1-When you actually find the piercing electronic whine of buzzers and scoring boxes kind of comforting.

2- When, after doing two or more days of events in a row, you find yourself thinking that standing and walking like normal humans is slow, unstable, and unnatural.

3-When you pay $160 or more for a single piece of basic equipment (weapon, jacket, shoes etc) and find yourself delighted that it actually lasted almost an entire year.

4- When you suddenly realize all fencers stand en-guarde when talking.

5-You KNOW the opposite of 'dry' is electric

6- When you feel more comfortable sleeping on a copper strip than on your own bed.

7- You don't care if you get a red or green light at an intersection because it has been grilled into your brain that those lights are better.

8-When all your socks are white and knee high.

9- When you realize, and freely admit, that going to fencing IS your social life.

10- When you're watching a movie or tv show and a sword fight breaks out and find yourself evaluating the actors' technique.

11- When you are finished with an argument, you know who really won because you determined the right of way.

12- People think you are in a abusive relationship or have abusive parents, because of your fencing bruises.

13- You know you're a fencer when you realize you're getting frustrated because you don't have enough strength in your hand to properly brush your teeth without the aid of your last 3 fingers.

14- You know they're knickers, not pants.

15- When you still believe you can defend the nation with a sword.

16- When people see you walking down the street or enter the train/subway with your fencing bag they get scared.

17- Or either you are asked if you play guitar.

18- If you believe you can defend yourself from a mugger with an umbrella and a really good lunge.

19- You hurt your hand and as you're standing at the sink rinsing off the blood you think, "oh well. At least it's not my weapon hand"

20- You find yourself falling asleep with your arm in the en garde position, with your hand holding an invisible grip

21- You have uneven leg muscles.

22- If you've ever reflexively tried to parry a "high five."

23- You no longer have left and right legs, but front and back.

24- When you DON'T look at the (traffic) lights because your coach yells at you for it.

25- You know that when you get foilists, saberists, and épée's in the same room, they will argue who is better.

26- Favorite movies/books include but are not limited too The Princess Bride, and Three Musketeers. Anything with fencing basically

27- You tell people white is the new black.

28- You can get straight to the point.

29- You know too many fencing puns and/or jokes. When using them with non-fencing friends, you're the only one who's laughing.

30- Find your opponents or yourself donating lots of blood.

31- Less gab, more stab.

32- Memorized Murphy's Laws of Fencing

33- When everybody was using Chuck Norris facts, you were using the Dan Kellner facts http://www.fencing.net/forums/thread22361.html

34- You love when people ask why you have bruises on your arm and explaining how and why the bruises got there.

35- When changing from street clothes to fencing, random things fall out of your pants such as change.

36- You lunge (or if space permits fleche) at elevator buttons.

37- You practice blade with work with any object.
Your practice footwork in any location.

38-You lunge for things that are just barely out of your reach, instead of walking the extra foot or two.

(from FaceBook Group by the same name)

Everything I Know About Fencing I Learned at the Movies

The following are well-recognized scoring "moves" in fencing competitions. Some require additional props, but most can be improvised.

The Back up the Stairs Retreat
Usually executed mid-match, this maneuver features one combatant backing up a set of stairs to a landing from which there is no means of escape but a hanging rope. (See, Swinging Back into the Fray)

Swinging Back Into the Fray
Normally via chandelier of hanging rope; in gymnasium climbing ropes may be substituted.

The Circular Flip Weapon from-Opponent's Hand Move
Executed with a deft circular motion of the wrist, this maneuver deprives your opponent of his weapon. Bonus points awarded if weapon then seized from air by its grip. (points deducted from grabbing blade.) Self-satisfied leer optional.

The Dagger Parry
Having been divested of his weapon by the Circular Flip, above, the fencer may draw a six-inch dagger from his belt and proceed to defeat his bewildered opponent. (Psychologically devastating to opponent, and a real morale-builder for your team).

Cutting Chandelier Rope to Drop on Pursuing Team Members
Successfully executed, this move can really shift the momentum in a competition. It involves use of one's weapon to cut the rope holding up an overhead lighting fixture so that it falls on opposing team members. Extra points awarded if fixture is of circular design and actually confines the pursuers. (See "Encirclement Points") A basketball backboard and hoop can be substituted in most gymnasiums; however, in such case encirclement points are limited to one, given the small diameter of the rim. If burning candles on the chandelier ignite other objects, or competitors, additional bonus
points may be awarded.

Stabbing Cask Instead of Opponent
This is actually a way of LOSING points. It occurs when a fencer backs his opponent into a cask or barrel. By sideways feint, the opponent causes his hapless aggressor to stab the barrel, rather than himself. If liquid spurts from the barrel or cask, subtract an additional point; if liquid is flammable (ex: brandy) and comes into contact with downed chandelier candles, add 3 excitement points.

Weapon Lodges in Solid Object
Another momentum-turner, this occurs when a fencer's weapon becomes lodged in a solid object (other than an opponent) and its end breaks off. Distance points may be awarded, however, if remainder of weapon is thrown ineffectively at opponent.

The Veg-o-Matic
Extra points are awarded when ever an errant slash dices organic material (again, other than an opponent) such as apples or melons on nearby training table.

The Whittler
Employed after loss of main weapon, this maneuver involves the use of a wooden object to parry an opponent's slashes. Points are awarded for the number of successive slashes which reduces the wooden object to a nubbin (often followed by "desperation throw," described above).

Seize the Amulet
This move can be pivotal in competition. Each competitor wears a hanging pendant around her neck. The match is over when a fencer corners her opponent and flicks the pendant from its chain with her weapon. Extra points if caught in free hand. (normally followed by a sprint to the team bus).

The Graffiti Slash
Originated by a fencer named Zuckerman at NYU, this maneuver is used to inscribe one's initials on an opponent's uniform. Bonus points awarded for script. Neatness counts.

Tag-Team Moves
While not exactly politically correct, these moves foster strong team spirit. They involve members of the women's team in, essentially, a supportive (if not downright decorative) role. Some of these are:
· The Cowering Behind the Fencer Backing up Stairs Move
· The Swinging on Rope with Male Fencer Escape
· The Weapon Replacement Toss
· The Cradling Head of Dying Male Fencer Pose
(dying fencer must remember to recite: 'tis not so deep as a well,
nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve)

(from an internet site)

Ephesians 6 - - A Little Too Much Fencing Fun

Take up the full armor of God, so you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.

Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins (put on your protective knickers) with truth,

and having put on the breastplate (chest protector) of righteousness

and having shod your feet (fencing shoes!!) with the preparation of the gospel of peace

in addition to all, learning to parry with faith with which you will be able to deflect all of the attacks of the evil one

and take the helmet (mask) of salvation











and the sword (epee!) of the Spirit......














and with all prayer and petition pray at all times......

Oh Yes. Another Fencing Lesson.....Sort Of.... (Jan 2, 2009)

This is a photo of my dear precious friend Jessica. Taken in Colorado and forever hanging on my wall to remind me that life should be lived from the heart.

Wait? Didn't we already have this lesson?

Yes, But sometimes I need a lesson more than once before I "get it".

For the first time in my life I find myself loving something just for the sake of loving it.
Note that I said something not someone...for I always want to love my friends just for the sake of loving them, not for what they can offer. But I have never let myself go with an activity. So this fencing thing has really got me snowed.

I never thought I would love it.
And at my age I can't really go very far with it.
But I catch myself wondering "how far can I go?" and "what are my options for being involved in this world? Can I ever fence well or referee or even coach?"
And I rather want to explore the possibilities.
Well, just because I can.

It's exciting to be digging into a world I have never really been involved with before.
This Wide, Wide World of Sports.

So, in a need to re-calibrate and honestly decide how I wanted to give myself to this desire....
....or IF I am really supposed to be giving myself to it....
....or whatever....
I wandered off to one of my silent thinking places.
A monastery.

I sat alone in the quiet sanctuary.
Silence.
Impregnated silence that practically spoke.
And a fly buzzing in the windowsill that kept making me think I was about to step into Narnia.

Several things happened.
1. In the silence my heart rose up and admitted that I really want to delve into this world.
2. I was reminded of my green knickers dream....I was being given LIFE through this.
3. As I sat there praying I flipped open a book at random that I had brought to read and saw two quotes: "Listen to the heart, it interprets His will in everything that happens" and "Conventions, if followed too closely, restrict talent." Both of which meant somethign to me.
4. I was walking in the hallway and a monk stopped me and asked if I was Catholic to which I asnwered "no". He said "that's ok. I want you to read this. It's about a friend of mine who kept bees. Did you know bees don't come out in the winter? Take this and read it in the daylight."
Odd. And the little paper was a story about patience and the fact that there are no coincidences in life.

Interesting, all. For sure.

It would take too long to explain here but it seemed to reveal that fencing is indeed where I am intended to be. How all of that looks I have no idea. But that's ok. Patience, as Kelly always tells me. And enjoy the journey. I have been. My intensity by way of personality causes "enjoy" to look like hyper-active fun on one day and foundation-laying research on another at times. But I am still enjoying.

So, yes, I'm back around to a previous blog on a previous fencing lesson: living from the heart.

Maybe I'll get a little closer to doing that now! ;)

Fencing -- Embracing Weakness (Jan 5, 2009)

Voluntary weakness.

Meaning...choosing to be weak in the present order to gain something greater in the future.

Last night in the fencing center this lesson came crashing on me full force.

As some may know I gave up the opportunity to move Scotland a few months back.
It was the offer of a lifetime it seemed...teaching in Scotland (I LOVE to teach young people) and traveling in and out of N. Africa doing medical work & such.

But we decided to turn it down and stay in KC. Why? I wanted to stick with my fencing. Yes, my primary reason....which flipped out my dearest friend who lives in Norway.

A seemingly strange decision. Yep. No doubt. I've wondered myself on occasion.

I could be in Europe, I could be teaching, I could be trying to get myself killed in a Muslim Country..... I could be living and walking out of my strength.

But, no. I chose to follow something that was niggling in my heart.... I wanted to fence. I had never done a sport "officially" before. (I don't think street ball with the boys in my neighborhood growing up counts). I liked the people at the club. But I was choosing to walk in my weakness.

And what on earth is the benefit of choosing weakness???

This does not come easily to me. It frustrates me. It is really hard for me at times to keep plugging along. So it has given me the chance to hang in there, to learn patience and endurance.

All sorts of things have risen up in my heart over the past 5 months that I needed to deal with and/or heal from. Choosing weakness has gained me renewal of heart.

I have learned much from Kelly and Mike and Jason, as well as others at the Center. I have had to be teachable. I have had to admit that I don't understand things. I have had to admit that I needed information repeated. It's been hard. Choosing weakness has gained me growth.

I am thinking about all of this because last night it was driven home to me that indeed I have chosen weakness. At times, therefore, frustration. I discovered that I have been walking in more weakness than I knew which is going to create another season of frustration and lessons.

Apparently the "you can't analyze this" statement (see previous blog...a few months ago) really meant "don't worry about all the mechanics" as opposed to a literal interpretation (which I took since I'm a literalist when it comes to non-playful communication) of "don't analyze" i.e. "don't think." As much as I adore Kelly I swear I wanted to scream when I realized I had totally misunderstood her. (not her fault mind you, but mine. I should have asked for the explanation months ago...) And as I much as I love fencing and am not sorry for my choice I have never come so close to quitting.

So, as I embark upon re-learning to think after spending months learning not to think, and I sit here reminding myself...this is voluntary weakness.

Choosing to be weak now will produce strengths in me later.
On all kinds of levels.
Maybe even figuring out how to fence!!

And in the very least on the important relational level.
For now I can relate to others in their weakness when it comes to this.

Like the young man who was nervous and said "this is not like anything I've ever done before."
To which I smiled and responded "I know, honey. It's not like anything I've ever done before either. But as long as you think it's cool, you'll make it ."

And we fenced.
Two weak people on a journey to become stronger....

What If I Really Gave Myself To This...? (Dec 29, 2008)

The question I have been mulling over all day.

Actually, the question I have been mulling over since the Holiday Tournament almost a month ago.

But last night it came glaringly to the surface and is begging an answer.

And of course, in searching for the answer, I have uncovered a spot in my soul that I would rather not look at. Ugh. Here we go again. Some days I hate my "fencing healing moments" yet I know that if I rip the band-aid off and engage them I will feel better later....

so......

I cannot recall what led into this conversation last night but somehow I ended up answering something Mike said with a decision to "be serious." I whined a bit (yes, it was a hormone day too) making the observation that I had engaged more seriously 2 days last week and although I did well it wasn't near as much fun.

Nevertheless, I focused down and beat Mike 5-0. I asked if I could go back to playing again and sort of did and the next bout landed in Mike's favor 5-4.

Now, granted, I am aware of the fact that Mike probably was going easy on me because he wanted to draw me out. Yet at the same time I never get 5-0 on Mike regardless.

Internally I was focused, confident and just did what I thought I could do. Then I backed off after that bout.

Yet inside I was asking myself "what if I let go and really gave myself to this?".

But something inside of me still won't.

A decision has to be made nevertheless. I have laid my foundation, I have walked through and gotten a grip on enough information and such that I could start from scratch and engage it all from a different angle....so now I am at the cross-roads....do I want to only play and exercise for years or do I want to give myself to this?

Not that it would be the only thing in my life. I mean, really, I'm not talking shooting for the Olympics here.....but I wonder....what could I do?? Is there any potential in me at all?

Do I dare to try and find out???

Then something in me locks down. I realize that up until this point I didn't dare. I didn't want to know. I assumed there was no potential and I have stayed in my "figure it out, get a foundation stage". Which is normal for me when I start something new and it's not a bad thing.

But now what? Do I want to stay always in that stage? And why do my insides freeze up thinking about reaching out further?

I thought much and cried much today as I started to understand why I am afraid.

The foundation laying stage alone has been tough. This is the first official sport I have ever been in. I mean, heavens, I don't even know how to stretch. The learning curve has been huge. Not to mention just the fact that I have to struggle hard to translate information into physical action. It doesn't come easy for me.

But that's nothing compared to this moment....this realizing that I am afraid to lay hold of something that I love simply because I am worried that it will be taken from me at some level if I do.

I'm thinking that's it simpler to keep my cards tight to my chest and not take the chance of losing what I have.

I am enjoying myself. I'm not doing too terrible. I very much enjoy the people there. So, why risk and really let my heart go into it?

Why do I believe that anything I love will be snatched away from me?

Why am I guarding my heart still?

I have to give myself the mercy of realizing I am not guarding it like I did 4 months ago. Yet at this crossroads I see that I have not totally let it open either.
I so fear the agony of having something that matters shatter, blow up in my face or whatever.
Or engaging it fully to realize I really do suck.
THEN what?

But truly, I don't know that engaging it would make me better. Or worse.
Only more....well....engaged. More intense. More involved.
Or maybe more focused is a better word.

Yes. That would be it. More focused.

Which would change the way I approach it, engage it, etc.

Huh. Don't know. Don't even know what that would look like practically as, like I said, this is my first sport so I'm like a newborn or a toddler in it. Just trying to get a grip on what it all is...

But what I do see for sure is that I need to deal with the reality in my heart that causes me to shut things out and not be fully alive in them just because one day it might go away or I might get hurt......