Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Fencing -- Embracing Weakness (Jan 5, 2009)


Voluntary weakness.

Meaning...choosing to be weak in the present order to gain something greater in the future.

Last night in the fencing center this lesson came crashing on me full force.

As some may know I gave up the opportunity to move Scotland a few months back.
It was the offer of a lifetime it seemed...teaching in Scotland (I LOVE to teach young people) and traveling in and out of N. Africa doing medical work & such.

But we decided to turn it down and stay in KC. Why? I wanted to stick with my fencing. Yes, my primary reason....which flipped out my dearest friend who lives in Norway.

A seemingly strange decision. Yep. No doubt. I've wondered myself on occasion.

I could be in Europe, I could be teaching, I could be trying to get myself killed in a Muslim Country..... I could be living and walking out of my strength.

But, no. I chose to follow something that was niggling in my heart.... I wanted to fence. I had never done a sport "officially" before. (I don't think street ball with the boys in my neighborhood growing up counts). I liked the people at the club. But I was choosing to walk in my weakness.

And what on earth is the benefit of choosing weakness???

This does not come easily to me. It frustrates me. It is really hard for me at times to keep plugging along. So it has given me the chance to hang in there, to learn patience and endurance.

All sorts of things have risen up in my heart over the past 5 months that I needed to deal with and/or heal from. Choosing weakness has gained me renewal of heart.

I have learned much from Kelly and Mike and Jason, as well as others at the Center. I have had to be teachable. I have had to admit that I don't understand things. I have had to admit that I needed information repeated. It's been hard. Choosing weakness has gained me growth.

I am thinking about all of this because last night it was driven home to me that indeed I have chosen weakness. At times, therefore, frustration. I discovered that I have been walking in more weakness than I knew which is going to create another season of frustration and lessons.

Apparently the "you can't analyze this" statement (see previous blog...a few months ago) really meant "don't worry about all the mechanics" as opposed to a literal interpretation (which I took since I'm a literalist when it comes to non-playful communication) of "don't analyze" i.e. "don't think." As much as I adore Kelly I swear I wanted to scream when I realized I had totally misunderstood her. (not her fault mind you, but mine. I should have asked for the explanation months ago...) And as I much as I love fencing and am not sorry for my choice I have never come so close to quitting.

So, as I embark upon re-learning to think after spending months learning not to think, and I sit here reminding myself...this is voluntary weakness.

Choosing to be weak now will produce strengths in me later.
On all kinds of levels.
Maybe even figuring out how to fence!!

And in the very least on the important relational level.
For now I can relate to others in their weakness when it comes to this.

Like the young man who was nervous and said "this is not like anything I've ever done before."
To which I smiled and responded "I know, honey. It's not like anything I've ever done before either. But as long as you think it's cool, you'll make it ."

And we fenced.
Two weak people on a journey to become stronger....

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