What If I Really Gave Myself To This...? (Dec 29, 2008)

The question I have been mulling over all day.

Actually, the question I have been mulling over since the Holiday Tournament almost a month ago.

But last night it came glaringly to the surface and is begging an answer.

And of course, in searching for the answer, I have uncovered a spot in my soul that I would rather not look at. Ugh. Here we go again. Some days I hate my "fencing healing moments" yet I know that if I rip the band-aid off and engage them I will feel better later....

so......

I cannot recall what led into this conversation last night but somehow I ended up answering something Mike said with a decision to "be serious." I whined a bit (yes, it was a hormone day too) making the observation that I had engaged more seriously 2 days last week and although I did well it wasn't near as much fun.

Nevertheless, I focused down and beat Mike 5-0. I asked if I could go back to playing again and sort of did and the next bout landed in Mike's favor 5-4.

Now, granted, I am aware of the fact that Mike probably was going easy on me because he wanted to draw me out. Yet at the same time I never get 5-0 on Mike regardless.

Internally I was focused, confident and just did what I thought I could do. Then I backed off after that bout.

Yet inside I was asking myself "what if I let go and really gave myself to this?".

But something inside of me still won't.

A decision has to be made nevertheless. I have laid my foundation, I have walked through and gotten a grip on enough information and such that I could start from scratch and engage it all from a different angle....so now I am at the cross-roads....do I want to only play and exercise for years or do I want to give myself to this?

Not that it would be the only thing in my life. I mean, really, I'm not talking shooting for the Olympics here.....but I wonder....what could I do?? Is there any potential in me at all?

Do I dare to try and find out???

Then something in me locks down. I realize that up until this point I didn't dare. I didn't want to know. I assumed there was no potential and I have stayed in my "figure it out, get a foundation stage". Which is normal for me when I start something new and it's not a bad thing.

But now what? Do I want to stay always in that stage? And why do my insides freeze up thinking about reaching out further?

I thought much and cried much today as I started to understand why I am afraid.

The foundation laying stage alone has been tough. This is the first official sport I have ever been in. I mean, heavens, I don't even know how to stretch. The learning curve has been huge. Not to mention just the fact that I have to struggle hard to translate information into physical action. It doesn't come easy for me.

But that's nothing compared to this moment....this realizing that I am afraid to lay hold of something that I love simply because I am worried that it will be taken from me at some level if I do.

I'm thinking that's it simpler to keep my cards tight to my chest and not take the chance of losing what I have.

I am enjoying myself. I'm not doing too terrible. I very much enjoy the people there. So, why risk and really let my heart go into it?

Why do I believe that anything I love will be snatched away from me?

Why am I guarding my heart still?

I have to give myself the mercy of realizing I am not guarding it like I did 4 months ago. Yet at this crossroads I see that I have not totally let it open either.
I so fear the agony of having something that matters shatter, blow up in my face or whatever.
Or engaging it fully to realize I really do suck.
THEN what?

But truly, I don't know that engaging it would make me better. Or worse.
Only more....well....engaged. More intense. More involved.
Or maybe more focused is a better word.

Yes. That would be it. More focused.

Which would change the way I approach it, engage it, etc.

Huh. Don't know. Don't even know what that would look like practically as, like I said, this is my first sport so I'm like a newborn or a toddler in it. Just trying to get a grip on what it all is...

But what I do see for sure is that I need to deal with the reality in my heart that causes me to shut things out and not be fully alive in them just because one day it might go away or I might get hurt......