Unveiling The Reasons

It's well after midnight.
My thoughts are crazily fuzzy from exhaustion...
All the better for being honest with myself about what is going on inside.

What is it with me?
I mean, really?

I wasn't always like this.
So unsure.
Insecure.

Where does this come from?

Oh God, where indeed?

Common consensus would be that it is a "mother wound".
Or, most certainly, shards from the woman who raped me in Mexico at 18.

But I don't think so.
I doubt I could delve into that any deeper than I have.
It seems more likely to be something I haven't really come to terms with.
And I'm pretty sure I can put my finger on it.

Leadership.
As I look into my heart and the way to react to things....
It's not really remnants of my fear of women....
Nor anything really that my parents did or neglected to do....

But instead having been stripped of every sliver of value and worth by poor leadership....
Over the last 10 years.
I can remember vividly the first one.
I was fine before that but I have never been the same since.
She shattered my confidence in myself.
And my relationship with God.
And it has gone downhill ever since.

Until I arrive at this place where, although I am no longer a bloody heap on the floor, I have absolutely no confidence in myself or my ability to do anything.
And I don't know how to recover from it.

Larry suspects that's why I'm fencing.
To re-gain some self-confidence.
To be under someone with character who is not tearing me to shreds.
To have those weird places in me exposed in a non-church environment.
But still dealt with and healed nevertheless.
Maybe so.

There's no doubt in my mind that God has placed me at KCFC to expose my soul.
That is an almost daily occurrence.
And, thankfully, He placed me with people that are trustworthy.

Now there's a weird experience now that I think about it.
It's crazy unusual for me to allow anyone access to my heart.
Regardless of how it appears I do have boundaries.
But here I am in a place with two people who can read me like a book.
Who have a level of access to my heart that is surpassed only by Larry.
Both of them are in leadership at the center of a sort.
And I actually trust them both.
Now that is so not like me.
I can count only two other people in my lifetime who have that kind of access.

But. If I am correct in my assessment then it makes sense.
If destructive leadership is what I am struggling to over come then I can see God using good leadership to give me space to be real and heal.
Ugh.
One man. One woman.
Now there's efficiency since both men and women leaders have rendered my soul unusable.

And let's add to the fact that I am friends with them too.
Now that adds value.

And since I trust men a bit more easily than women, it also makes sense why God told me who Kelly is. So I would trust her.

Hm.
So, what do I do with this God?
I am so weary.
Weary of my own frustrations.
Weary of being unsure of myself.
Weary of being the worst fencer in the club.
Weary of my own insecurities.
Just flat weary.

How do I come to terms with poor past leadership?
With being left out, told I wasn't good enough, not getting to do the things I loved, being told horrible things about myself (that weren't true but rended my soul anyhow) etc etc etc.
How do you get over things like that?
They're still in my thinking patterns.
I heard it so much I believed it.
I still believe it.

Where do I even begin to sort it all out?

I'm weary God.
How do I hold my head up?
How?
I don't know what I'm good at.
I doubt I'd have a chance to do it anyway.
I fear being proud if I AM good at it.
I fear being strong almost more than I fear feeling worthless.
Where do you go with something like that, eh?

Hm.
Maybe I do think too much.
And it's almost 1am.
Well, at least I know what I have to face.
Those leaders.
Church leaders.
Ministry leaders.
Oh Jesus, why are we so rough with each other....?

And oh the fear that I am the same.

Huh.
I think that's part of why I avoid being strong.
Or of trying.
Granted one part is fear of being torn to shreds again or of failing.
But part is because I don't want to be strong and do to someone else what was done to me.
However inadvertent it might be.
Strength and leadership were never meant to destroy.
But to lift up. To empower.

And I had not seen that until.....well.....now.