Ode to Good Character in the Fencing World - or - Those Amazing Ladies in Nebraska

After wrangling over God in my last blog let's go to something a little lighter.

Like character. As if that's light. ;)

Anyway.

If you know me very well at all you can see the fun I'm having through my body language in this picture. I just learned to like these women so much!! And they are most all grinning at me as I just climbed up on that podium.

They were so unbelievably awesome. And I'm excited that we are all planning to be at a Tournament together in May in St. Louis. I cannot wait to see them again.

Which brings me to the topic of this blog.

Character.

Those who have known me since I could walk know that most of my life I have believed that character really mattered. Then I went through a long season where I saw so many people that thought it didn't and I begin to believe maybe I was wrong. Got to the point where I was just weary of it and started to think it just wasn't worth the effort.

I had thought it was a part of loving well (which is the goal of my life even though I am still learning thus not so good at it) but it didn't seem to bless anyone.

So. I was on the verge of just giving it up. Then I encountered fencing. And Kelly.
(Which is a previous blog.)

As a result of those two factors I re-grasped that character really does matter.
How you treat people IS important.
They should be honored by your actions, or at least the clean-up of your actions, even if they do not understand or appreciate it.

So, I went into this tournament in NE with my highest goal being "love well through actions, attitude and character." I could not have cared less if I won or not.

Apparently I was not the only one with this desire.

These women were off the charts awesome.
They found out it was my second ever tournament and that I had only been fencing 5 months and they totally took me under their wing. Not that they didn't fence their guts out with me, they did.

But thus I saw that balance I hoped existed. The "I am your friend off the strip, I am gracious and mannerly on the strip, but I will do everything I can to beat your behind when we're out there. But, kindly." I want to be like this!!!

We all gave each other a run for our money, yes. Almost every match was really close.
And off the strip they gave me advice.
Praised me on all the things I did right.
Never once looked at me like I was an idiot or talked to me like I was an idiot...... like when Karen was talking about the fencing season and I said "oh! there's a fencing season?" She looked surprised and I said "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a fencing season" to which she responded "No, no that's ok. Here, I'll explain it to you." And she did.

I learned so much from these women because they too loved the sport and wanted to share that love and all possible information with me. It was so obvious that, for them as for me, this was about relationship not just about fencing.

Sure, you tired hard. Sure, you trained hard. But before everthing else was relationship.

And, as I've said, they did it well. Thus is good character.

When I got hurt they apologized. And gathered around to help fix it.
When I was confused they explained.
When I was lost they gave me direction.
When I complimented, encouraged or apologized they didnt blow me off but said "thank you."
After I beat them in DEs they became my coaches.
Two ladies, Karen and Kat coached me through the gold medal bout.
IT WAS SO AMAZING.
I don;t think I've ever seen anything like this in my life.

I afterwards wondered how I did with my goal.
And I reflected back on comments and looks from everyone and think I also acheived my goal.

When we all gathered I introduced myself and got everyone's names.
I'm naturally shy with strangers even though I love people so this is always hard.

When on the strip and my opponent scored a touch I always got excited with them.
This is normal for me but once I caught the pleasantly surprised looks of the others and thought "Oh! I loved well!!" (whew)

Several people commented on how I kept calm and was always poised on the strip no matter what happened. Also a relief because I feared getting frustrated or upset like I can at home.

But I think the most relief filled moment was after it was all over and Karen said to me that she was so pleased that I had been there because even with all that happened I was not at all arrogant about it.

And I came out of it with friends that I look forward to seeing again in a few months.
I guess that is the greatest indicator of having loved well and shown good character on all of our parts.

I guess it is worth it. For sometimes the fruit of good character is happy relationship. :)

And as I write this I realize that I need to clean up my act at home a little.
Those I am with the most should get my best, not my worst.
I really really want to love well.
Very well.

Character.

Thanks ladies for everything......

Filleted by an Icicle

My soul, spirit, heart...pick a part....was laid open on so many levels at the Icicle Invitational this weekend. There are more angles on this than I know what to do with.

Thus, I may be generating several blogs.
Some fun...others just....deep.

This one....a bit on the deep side.
(Although I look forward to getting to one that explores the sense of wonder later today.)

But for the moment I am looking at this, once again, from the "why God?" perspective.

My dear friend Marnie made a comment today on FaceBook that again got me thinking "why God?". Like, really, WHY? Where are we going with this? What are You thinking? And "dang! I should spend New Year's in Trappist Monasteries more often if Gold Medals and E ratings are the result!" ;)

The main reality of Sunday's Tournament is God. No, for real. Ok, yes there was some skill involved thanks to the coaching and teaching I received and one experienced fencer made the comment that it was amazing that I could do "XYZ" moves and etc in only 5 months and I obviously had natural talent...that was way interesting...not sure if that's true or not. So, that does exist and I'll get to that in a later blog too....

.....nevertheless.....

....the reality is THIS SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IN ONLY 5 MONTHS.

And I knew that going into it.
My desire and goal for the day (other than not getting sick, which I didn't do) was to go, meet some neat people, have a good time with them, and see if there was a difference between fencing men all the time and fencing women.

I attained all my goals. It was one of the most fun days of my life ever in that regard....
....but I also walked away with a Championship and an E rating....
What the heck?

I have finally arrived at the place where I can accept that because God is so in love with me, as with us all, He has given me fencing, the relationships therein and the wonder and joy of it.

I mean, I really do love the feel of that sword in my hand.
I've always been sort of like that and now I really get to do it.
So, I can easily go with the fact that I had a good day because God just poured out.

But winning? Hello! I expect some of that element is still involved but it throws me, again, into, where are You going with this???

If it truly is all about life lessons and encouragement...about coming alive again and finding joy....about long buried parts of my personality being called back into life....well we are surely accomplishing that!

If it's about realizing I can be "good" at something, or better, if I can succeed and no one is threatened by that but instead cheer, encourage me, and state how proud they are of me (which is not a normal thing for me to see)...then we definitely accomplished that as well. I was waiting to lose all my friends over this, esp my fencing ones, and it did not happen. They are so amazing. Where did God find people like this and why did He allow me to be around them???

So, yes, for those of you who know about the "Leigh do you have any idea how much you are loved" dream, allow me to tell you "Yes! I am getting a clue from all of you!!" (if you don't know about it, feel free to ask)

But a trophy? A rating? Why?

So, the question I have been struggling with for months comes again. Have much do I give myself to this???? Compared to other activities.....not compared to how much I give myself to God.

Every single point I fought for I went into it asking God to fence with me, stating (as I learned from Sherraine Schalm's book Running with Swords) that this did not define me, God does, and it was up to Him whether or not I got the touch/won the bout. So, I fence with God. Or, better, I am learning to fence with God......also thanks to Brandon Carter and his gutsy to-the-point lesson on that.

So, God fences with me. I fence with God. The Dust of Heaven sprinkled on the dust of earth.
It is not about choosing between God and fencing or whatever.
I can do this with Him, as I should.

It's not a question of whether or not He intends to love me in and through this.
It's obvious that He does.

What I can't get is.....how much do I give myself to this as opposed to other activities?
Is this the road God really does want me to walk with Him?
At some level, yes, but what does that level look like?

I mean, yes, it was a small event.
Yes, I should not have "won", in theory....even if I had been fencing only two 80 year olds.
No, I do not believe God loves me more than anyone else there.

And, yes, at least some of it was skill.
The sword was in my hand.
And I did come home with a trophy and a rating.
So at come level, something is possible.

Let's be balanced about this.

So, God, once again I ask.....
What are You thinking?
Where are we going with this?
Why are we going there?
Who are we going with?
And how can I partner with You in it?

There you are
just you for a moment
participating in the sport where everyone
is masked and carrying their own weapon.

There you are
smiling beneath it all
feeling a focus
and a freedom like no other.
Thinking, but not time to think
like chess at 300 miles per hour.

There you are
in technique, tactics,
actions, mobility, speed,
methodology, finesse
and improvisation.

There you are alone,
where all time stands still,
within yourself,
under your mask, beyond your weapon.


For the love of the moment.



(from America Fencing Magazine)

You Know You're A Fencer When....

1-When you actually find the piercing electronic whine of buzzers and scoring boxes kind of comforting.

2- When, after doing two or more days of events in a row, you find yourself thinking that standing and walking like normal humans is slow, unstable, and unnatural.

3-When you pay $160 or more for a single piece of basic equipment (weapon, jacket, shoes etc) and find yourself delighted that it actually lasted almost an entire year.

4- When you suddenly realize all fencers stand en-guarde when talking.

5-You KNOW the opposite of 'dry' is electric

6- When you feel more comfortable sleeping on a copper strip than on your own bed.

7- You don't care if you get a red or green light at an intersection because it has been grilled into your brain that those lights are better.

8-When all your socks are white and knee high.

9- When you realize, and freely admit, that going to fencing IS your social life.

10- When you're watching a movie or tv show and a sword fight breaks out and find yourself evaluating the actors' technique.

11- When you are finished with an argument, you know who really won because you determined the right of way.

12- People think you are in a abusive relationship or have abusive parents, because of your fencing bruises.

13- You know you're a fencer when you realize you're getting frustrated because you don't have enough strength in your hand to properly brush your teeth without the aid of your last 3 fingers.

14- You know they're knickers, not pants.

15- When you still believe you can defend the nation with a sword.

16- When people see you walking down the street or enter the train/subway with your fencing bag they get scared.

17- Or either you are asked if you play guitar.

18- If you believe you can defend yourself from a mugger with an umbrella and a really good lunge.

19- You hurt your hand and as you're standing at the sink rinsing off the blood you think, "oh well. At least it's not my weapon hand"

20- You find yourself falling asleep with your arm in the en garde position, with your hand holding an invisible grip

21- You have uneven leg muscles.

22- If you've ever reflexively tried to parry a "high five."

23- You no longer have left and right legs, but front and back.

24- When you DON'T look at the (traffic) lights because your coach yells at you for it.

25- You know that when you get foilists, saberists, and épée's in the same room, they will argue who is better.

26- Favorite movies/books include but are not limited too The Princess Bride, and Three Musketeers. Anything with fencing basically

27- You tell people white is the new black.

28- You can get straight to the point.

29- You know too many fencing puns and/or jokes. When using them with non-fencing friends, you're the only one who's laughing.

30- Find your opponents or yourself donating lots of blood.

31- Less gab, more stab.

32- Memorized Murphy's Laws of Fencing

33- When everybody was using Chuck Norris facts, you were using the Dan Kellner facts http://www.fencing.net/forums/thread22361.html

34- You love when people ask why you have bruises on your arm and explaining how and why the bruises got there.

35- When changing from street clothes to fencing, random things fall out of your pants such as change.

36- You lunge (or if space permits fleche) at elevator buttons.

37- You practice blade with work with any object.
Your practice footwork in any location.

38-You lunge for things that are just barely out of your reach, instead of walking the extra foot or two.

(from FaceBook Group by the same name)

Everything I Know About Fencing I Learned at the Movies

The following are well-recognized scoring "moves" in fencing competitions. Some require additional props, but most can be improvised.

The Back up the Stairs Retreat
Usually executed mid-match, this maneuver features one combatant backing up a set of stairs to a landing from which there is no means of escape but a hanging rope. (See, Swinging Back into the Fray)

Swinging Back Into the Fray
Normally via chandelier of hanging rope; in gymnasium climbing ropes may be substituted.

The Circular Flip Weapon from-Opponent's Hand Move
Executed with a deft circular motion of the wrist, this maneuver deprives your opponent of his weapon. Bonus points awarded if weapon then seized from air by its grip. (points deducted from grabbing blade.) Self-satisfied leer optional.

The Dagger Parry
Having been divested of his weapon by the Circular Flip, above, the fencer may draw a six-inch dagger from his belt and proceed to defeat his bewildered opponent. (Psychologically devastating to opponent, and a real morale-builder for your team).

Cutting Chandelier Rope to Drop on Pursuing Team Members
Successfully executed, this move can really shift the momentum in a competition. It involves use of one's weapon to cut the rope holding up an overhead lighting fixture so that it falls on opposing team members. Extra points awarded if fixture is of circular design and actually confines the pursuers. (See "Encirclement Points") A basketball backboard and hoop can be substituted in most gymnasiums; however, in such case encirclement points are limited to one, given the small diameter of the rim. If burning candles on the chandelier ignite other objects, or competitors, additional bonus
points may be awarded.

Stabbing Cask Instead of Opponent
This is actually a way of LOSING points. It occurs when a fencer backs his opponent into a cask or barrel. By sideways feint, the opponent causes his hapless aggressor to stab the barrel, rather than himself. If liquid spurts from the barrel or cask, subtract an additional point; if liquid is flammable (ex: brandy) and comes into contact with downed chandelier candles, add 3 excitement points.

Weapon Lodges in Solid Object
Another momentum-turner, this occurs when a fencer's weapon becomes lodged in a solid object (other than an opponent) and its end breaks off. Distance points may be awarded, however, if remainder of weapon is thrown ineffectively at opponent.

The Veg-o-Matic
Extra points are awarded when ever an errant slash dices organic material (again, other than an opponent) such as apples or melons on nearby training table.

The Whittler
Employed after loss of main weapon, this maneuver involves the use of a wooden object to parry an opponent's slashes. Points are awarded for the number of successive slashes which reduces the wooden object to a nubbin (often followed by "desperation throw," described above).

Seize the Amulet
This move can be pivotal in competition. Each competitor wears a hanging pendant around her neck. The match is over when a fencer corners her opponent and flicks the pendant from its chain with her weapon. Extra points if caught in free hand. (normally followed by a sprint to the team bus).

The Graffiti Slash
Originated by a fencer named Zuckerman at NYU, this maneuver is used to inscribe one's initials on an opponent's uniform. Bonus points awarded for script. Neatness counts.

Tag-Team Moves
While not exactly politically correct, these moves foster strong team spirit. They involve members of the women's team in, essentially, a supportive (if not downright decorative) role. Some of these are:
· The Cowering Behind the Fencer Backing up Stairs Move
· The Swinging on Rope with Male Fencer Escape
· The Weapon Replacement Toss
· The Cradling Head of Dying Male Fencer Pose
(dying fencer must remember to recite: 'tis not so deep as a well,
nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve)

(from an internet site)

Ephesians 6 - - A Little Too Much Fencing Fun

Take up the full armor of God, so you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.

Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins (put on your protective knickers) with truth,

and having put on the breastplate (chest protector) of righteousness

and having shod your feet (fencing shoes!!) with the preparation of the gospel of peace

in addition to all, learning to parry with faith with which you will be able to deflect all of the attacks of the evil one

and take the helmet (mask) of salvation











and the sword (epee!) of the Spirit......














and with all prayer and petition pray at all times......

Oh Yes. Another Fencing Lesson.....Sort Of.... (Jan 2, 2009)

This is a photo of my dear precious friend Jessica. Taken in Colorado and forever hanging on my wall to remind me that life should be lived from the heart.

Wait? Didn't we already have this lesson?

Yes, But sometimes I need a lesson more than once before I "get it".

For the first time in my life I find myself loving something just for the sake of loving it.
Note that I said something not someone...for I always want to love my friends just for the sake of loving them, not for what they can offer. But I have never let myself go with an activity. So this fencing thing has really got me snowed.

I never thought I would love it.
And at my age I can't really go very far with it.
But I catch myself wondering "how far can I go?" and "what are my options for being involved in this world? Can I ever fence well or referee or even coach?"
And I rather want to explore the possibilities.
Well, just because I can.

It's exciting to be digging into a world I have never really been involved with before.
This Wide, Wide World of Sports.

So, in a need to re-calibrate and honestly decide how I wanted to give myself to this desire....
....or IF I am really supposed to be giving myself to it....
....or whatever....
I wandered off to one of my silent thinking places.
A monastery.

I sat alone in the quiet sanctuary.
Silence.
Impregnated silence that practically spoke.
And a fly buzzing in the windowsill that kept making me think I was about to step into Narnia.

Several things happened.
1. In the silence my heart rose up and admitted that I really want to delve into this world.
2. I was reminded of my green knickers dream....I was being given LIFE through this.
3. As I sat there praying I flipped open a book at random that I had brought to read and saw two quotes: "Listen to the heart, it interprets His will in everything that happens" and "Conventions, if followed too closely, restrict talent." Both of which meant somethign to me.
4. I was walking in the hallway and a monk stopped me and asked if I was Catholic to which I asnwered "no". He said "that's ok. I want you to read this. It's about a friend of mine who kept bees. Did you know bees don't come out in the winter? Take this and read it in the daylight."
Odd. And the little paper was a story about patience and the fact that there are no coincidences in life.

Interesting, all. For sure.

It would take too long to explain here but it seemed to reveal that fencing is indeed where I am intended to be. How all of that looks I have no idea. But that's ok. Patience, as Kelly always tells me. And enjoy the journey. I have been. My intensity by way of personality causes "enjoy" to look like hyper-active fun on one day and foundation-laying research on another at times. But I am still enjoying.

So, yes, I'm back around to a previous blog on a previous fencing lesson: living from the heart.

Maybe I'll get a little closer to doing that now! ;)

Fencing -- Embracing Weakness (Jan 5, 2009)

Voluntary weakness.

Meaning...choosing to be weak in the present order to gain something greater in the future.

Last night in the fencing center this lesson came crashing on me full force.

As some may know I gave up the opportunity to move Scotland a few months back.
It was the offer of a lifetime it seemed...teaching in Scotland (I LOVE to teach young people) and traveling in and out of N. Africa doing medical work & such.

But we decided to turn it down and stay in KC. Why? I wanted to stick with my fencing. Yes, my primary reason....which flipped out my dearest friend who lives in Norway.

A seemingly strange decision. Yep. No doubt. I've wondered myself on occasion.

I could be in Europe, I could be teaching, I could be trying to get myself killed in a Muslim Country..... I could be living and walking out of my strength.

But, no. I chose to follow something that was niggling in my heart.... I wanted to fence. I had never done a sport "officially" before. (I don't think street ball with the boys in my neighborhood growing up counts). I liked the people at the club. But I was choosing to walk in my weakness.

And what on earth is the benefit of choosing weakness???

This does not come easily to me. It frustrates me. It is really hard for me at times to keep plugging along. So it has given me the chance to hang in there, to learn patience and endurance.

All sorts of things have risen up in my heart over the past 5 months that I needed to deal with and/or heal from. Choosing weakness has gained me renewal of heart.

I have learned much from Kelly and Mike and Jason, as well as others at the Center. I have had to be teachable. I have had to admit that I don't understand things. I have had to admit that I needed information repeated. It's been hard. Choosing weakness has gained me growth.

I am thinking about all of this because last night it was driven home to me that indeed I have chosen weakness. At times, therefore, frustration. I discovered that I have been walking in more weakness than I knew which is going to create another season of frustration and lessons.

Apparently the "you can't analyze this" statement (see previous blog...a few months ago) really meant "don't worry about all the mechanics" as opposed to a literal interpretation (which I took since I'm a literalist when it comes to non-playful communication) of "don't analyze" i.e. "don't think." As much as I adore Kelly I swear I wanted to scream when I realized I had totally misunderstood her. (not her fault mind you, but mine. I should have asked for the explanation months ago...) And as I much as I love fencing and am not sorry for my choice I have never come so close to quitting.

So, as I embark upon re-learning to think after spending months learning not to think, and I sit here reminding myself...this is voluntary weakness.

Choosing to be weak now will produce strengths in me later.
On all kinds of levels.
Maybe even figuring out how to fence!!

And in the very least on the important relational level.
For now I can relate to others in their weakness when it comes to this.

Like the young man who was nervous and said "this is not like anything I've ever done before."
To which I smiled and responded "I know, honey. It's not like anything I've ever done before either. But as long as you think it's cool, you'll make it ."

And we fenced.
Two weak people on a journey to become stronger....

What If I Really Gave Myself To This...? (Dec 29, 2008)

The question I have been mulling over all day.

Actually, the question I have been mulling over since the Holiday Tournament almost a month ago.

But last night it came glaringly to the surface and is begging an answer.

And of course, in searching for the answer, I have uncovered a spot in my soul that I would rather not look at. Ugh. Here we go again. Some days I hate my "fencing healing moments" yet I know that if I rip the band-aid off and engage them I will feel better later....

so......

I cannot recall what led into this conversation last night but somehow I ended up answering something Mike said with a decision to "be serious." I whined a bit (yes, it was a hormone day too) making the observation that I had engaged more seriously 2 days last week and although I did well it wasn't near as much fun.

Nevertheless, I focused down and beat Mike 5-0. I asked if I could go back to playing again and sort of did and the next bout landed in Mike's favor 5-4.

Now, granted, I am aware of the fact that Mike probably was going easy on me because he wanted to draw me out. Yet at the same time I never get 5-0 on Mike regardless.

Internally I was focused, confident and just did what I thought I could do. Then I backed off after that bout.

Yet inside I was asking myself "what if I let go and really gave myself to this?".

But something inside of me still won't.

A decision has to be made nevertheless. I have laid my foundation, I have walked through and gotten a grip on enough information and such that I could start from scratch and engage it all from a different angle....so now I am at the cross-roads....do I want to only play and exercise for years or do I want to give myself to this?

Not that it would be the only thing in my life. I mean, really, I'm not talking shooting for the Olympics here.....but I wonder....what could I do?? Is there any potential in me at all?

Do I dare to try and find out???

Then something in me locks down. I realize that up until this point I didn't dare. I didn't want to know. I assumed there was no potential and I have stayed in my "figure it out, get a foundation stage". Which is normal for me when I start something new and it's not a bad thing.

But now what? Do I want to stay always in that stage? And why do my insides freeze up thinking about reaching out further?

I thought much and cried much today as I started to understand why I am afraid.

The foundation laying stage alone has been tough. This is the first official sport I have ever been in. I mean, heavens, I don't even know how to stretch. The learning curve has been huge. Not to mention just the fact that I have to struggle hard to translate information into physical action. It doesn't come easy for me.

But that's nothing compared to this moment....this realizing that I am afraid to lay hold of something that I love simply because I am worried that it will be taken from me at some level if I do.

I'm thinking that's it simpler to keep my cards tight to my chest and not take the chance of losing what I have.

I am enjoying myself. I'm not doing too terrible. I very much enjoy the people there. So, why risk and really let my heart go into it?

Why do I believe that anything I love will be snatched away from me?

Why am I guarding my heart still?

I have to give myself the mercy of realizing I am not guarding it like I did 4 months ago. Yet at this crossroads I see that I have not totally let it open either.
I so fear the agony of having something that matters shatter, blow up in my face or whatever.
Or engaging it fully to realize I really do suck.
THEN what?

But truly, I don't know that engaging it would make me better. Or worse.
Only more....well....engaged. More intense. More involved.
Or maybe more focused is a better word.

Yes. That would be it. More focused.

Which would change the way I approach it, engage it, etc.

Huh. Don't know. Don't even know what that would look like practically as, like I said, this is my first sport so I'm like a newborn or a toddler in it. Just trying to get a grip on what it all is...

But what I do see for sure is that I need to deal with the reality in my heart that causes me to shut things out and not be fully alive in them just because one day it might go away or I might get hurt......

Just Rawness (Nov 7, 2008)

Why can I not get past this wall in my heart?

And why has God put me in a fencing class to pull out all these painful things?

I feel like a filleted fish...just all laid open in class, three times a week no less.... all my guts out there to see and everyone picking out the bones.

I know it is so good for me.
I know it is the Hand of God.
But, oh, it is so painful, so confusing at times.

Like today.

Like -- why am I angry? I am not THIS frustrated with fencing.
Like -- why can I not try and be wrong? It's as if I think the whole world will crumble if I do.
Like -- why am I afraid of my heart being so wide open? It feels panicky.
Like -- why do I feel powerless? Why do I feel like I have no voice? And that if I chose to have a voice that would be "ungodly" or "lacking in meekness?"

I feel like I want to fight everything and everyone.
And for the most part no one is actually doing anything wrong.
And so I lose a fencing bout....why do my emotions rise up like the world is ending?

It makes no sense.
And yet it makes tons of sense.

Here we go with the inner healing again.

Oh how I wish I could just go in there and try, even if I am "100% wrong."
Just make a choice and go with it.
But then the niggling voice rises up "if you're wrong it will all fall apart, someone will get hurt, you will get hurt, you cannot trust your own instincts...."

Hm. I know where THAT comes from.
And it's not fencing.
I assume I am wrong before I even start in most things.
I only try these days what I know 100% I will be able to do.
Because to fail incurs disaster in one form or another.\
And someone gets hurt.

I really really do not trust my own instincts.
Because I HAVE failed 100%.
And my world did fall apart.

How do you start over from there?

I have no idea.....

But, I do know that God is pushing the buttons.
And pushing them hard.
Really hard.

Maybe there is hope in that....

Lessons in Living from the Heart (Nov 4, 2008)

If I've heard it once I've heard it a thousand times.....

"Leigh! You are too analytical."

But I never really understood it.....

......until this past Sunday afternoon.


I mean, some things you have to analyze, right?
If you don't think it through you can't truly own it.
It doesn't become part of you.

Yes, ok.

But now I see there is a place where you go too far in thinking.
Something may be a part of you but you are not living it from the heart.
You're still stuck somewhere in your head.
Trying to get it right, or perfect or whatever.... so you have control.... or so someone does not get hurt ....or so you do not get hurt..... or whatever the issues are.
And then it is a living from the head.

I think I finally get it.
God has been taking me through a process of learning to live from my heart.
Trusting what He has placed in there.
Trusting what I have learned.
Trusting myself for goodness sake.
My instincts, my own judgment, my likes and dislikes....just trusting that what's in me is not evil.

And what was the final push that got through?
Well, fencing class of course! ;)

I was learning to do something.....well....ok....going through something I had already learned.
And I kept glitching. I was frustrated. I was tired. I didn't know why but I felt I couldn't get it right and knew that I should be able to.

Kelly, also appearing frustrated, stopped letting me go through the motions slowly and really started pushing. I got it all right at that point and was completely shot through from exhaustion. I remember standing there trying to catch my breath and off comes Kelly's mask, she looks at me and says "Stop analyzing this. You cannot think this through." And a few other words to that affect.

It went through me like an arrow to its mark: "Oh my gosh. I am not playing with my heart. I am playing in my head which is screwing up my reflexes. That's what it means to be overly analytical."

I got it.
On a thousand levels.
It cleared up a handful of fencing questions to be sure.
But more than that it cleared up alot of life questions.

I have quit allowing myself to live life from the heart.
My relationship with God, with others, with life itself has become boring, grueling, shallow, fraught with fear and concern and every other yucky thing....because I am so cerebral about it.

Relationship cannot be lived from the head. It must be lived from the heart.
Relationship with God.
Relationship with others.
Sure, you need a good foundation that you have thought through.
But that's the foundation, not the actual living. the walking out.
And, yes, living from the heart is messy and scary....but it is LIFE....it is being fully alive.

Life, in all its aspects must be LIVED from the HEART.

I get it.

Now let's see if I can let go and allow myself to do it. ;)

Basketball Inner Healing...but at the Fencing Center of course (Oct 31, 2008)

Last night was one of the oddest nights I have had in fencing.
Hard to imagine, I know. :)

For no reason that I could put my finger upon I was just "off".
No energy. Just feeling drained.
And no reason for it.
Thus, I spent most of my night just sitting in the floor and chatting.

As I was sitting there, towards the end of class, I started getting this huge desire to play with a basketball again.

About a week and a half ago God had revealed to me that one reason I would not really engage in fencing or any other sport, among other things, was because of a basketball game that took place in Mexico in 1988.....

Flashback to 1988.....

If you have followed my blog over the years you know that something...well....way less than fun... happened to me in the summer of 1988 in Mexico when I was 18.

A few days later I was playing basketball (see picture) with a bunch of girls and could not get the ball away. So, I suddenly hauled off and punched the girl. I was so startled at my own anger and reaction that I quit and swore I would never play basketball or any other aggressive/contact sport again. And I haven't played anything but softball since even though I absolutely loved basketball.

Fast forward to 2008....

So, then Jesus revealed to me, about a week & 1/2 ago, that this incident was blocking my fencing among other things.

I had thought at 18 I was just a terrible, mean person. I did not then have the understanding that I have now. The issue obviously was not sports but just having been in a really abusive type situation and no way to process it.

So, I dealt with all those "inner vows" and went through the inner healing steps....etc.

Then I suddenly woke up at 4am yesterday morning with an overwhelming urge to play basketball.
So interesting and odd.
I lay there for an hour with adrenaline just pumping through me trying to figure out if I should get up and go find a place to play.
Finally I went to sleep.

Fast Forward to fencing last night (Thurs) ......

After fencing was over and everyone was cleaning up I asked Kelly if she had a basketball and if she minded if I played with it for about 2 minutes.
She told me to go ahead.
I went to the office, got a ball, and just started dribbling it, shooting...it was fun...I hadn't handled a basketball in 21 years...

Then Kelly caught one of my rebounds and I asked her "hey...do you want to play with me?"
And she did.
And I was able to reach into somewhere and find energy that I had not possessed all evening and gave the game (which turned into 1/2 an hour) everything I had.
I played hard.
I loved every moment of it.
I did not hit anyone.....
....and I knew I was free.

Oh the kindness and mercy of God.

Now it will be interesting to see if my ability to engage with fencing improves any! ;)

One other thing I have confirmed.....I really love sports and am sad I have shut it out of my life for so many years.

For the JOY of it....Fencing Lesson # ????? (Oct 29, 2008)

I was in a bout with Jason last night when suddenly I heard Kelly say: "there is a direct correlation between you smiling and getting touches."

I stopped mid stride and said "really!? Well, what is it?"

She pointed out that when I was smiling, I relaxed more and actually made my touches (hits).
But when I had a serious look on my face, I didn't do well.
So, she encouraged me to just "have fun" and stop thinking about it so much.
I made some comment about being typically over analytical and soon thereafter we all went home for the night.

It was a really interesting point.
At the moment something about it just felt freeing and encouraging.
And I couldn't shake it off.

Late into the night last night I thought about it....
....and soaked in the goodness of the feelings.

Then suddenly it hit me.
It was yet another divine moment.
God was telling me something not just about fencing but about life.

This was my fencing lesson on living from the heart.

I live too much from the head. WAY too much.
And I've lost alot of the ability to live from my heart.
I have to have the formula, or the right procedure. I have to get it all right.
Ties into no mercy nor patience for myself, therefore.

But God is saying, "No!", it's not like that. I am not like that."
Breathe, live free, live from your heart...

Just live and love and do for the sheer JOY of it.....
without so much analyzation.....
without so much thinking....

JUST RELAX AND HAVE FUN.

Is this what mercy looks like...?...another fencing lesson (Oct 28, 2008)

Sunday was a bad fencing day.
I arrived to the in-house tournament completely exhausted and not just a little stressed from the disaster simulation on Saturday.

I did fairly well emotionally up until my last bout.
I lost that bout. Horribly so. I was so tired I could not think and that made me angry with myself.
And, well, I threw my mask on the floor afterwards.
Not so hard that I thought anyone would notice, but still.


I walked away from the strip and cooled off.
Then I heard Kelly's voice calling me over.
Oblivious as to why I walked over.

It quickly came to light that Kelly had seen me throw my mask.
But she didn't yell at me.
She didn't even raise her voice.
She explained to me what she saw, why it was wrong and I hung my head totally ashamed.
I looked up and said, sincerely, "I am so sorry".
I was in the wrong, I deserved to be fussed at, and I said so.

All Kelly said was "It's ok."

Today is Tuesday. For the past 48 hrs I have been beating myself up.
Now I hear someone on a piano singing "thank you for your kindness, thank you for your mercy"
and it hits me.....oh my gosh.....it was mercy that Kelly showed me.
I blew it, I was wrong, I deserved to be throughly chastised and all she said was "it's ok" and I was forgiven.

I am weeping as I write this.
I have never had any room for mercy for myself anymore that I have ever had patience.
I did not even have room for GOD to have mercy for me.

But, now, once again, in Kelly, I have seen God.
I have seen mercy.
I deserved judgment but she handed me mercy.

Is this what God is like????

I'm suspecting maybe so.....
And, oh, what a relief that would be.
What freedom and rest would be in that reality.

Oh please let it be true.....

Learning Patience......with MYSELF (Sept 30, 2008)

"You're not supposed to do anything.
You're free to do whatever you like."
(Jesus in The Shack)

Yes. Fencing Lesson number one billion.
What else would it be??

I sit here wondering how to go forward....
and I hear Kelly's voice in my head saying "Patience. Leigh you've got to have patience. You're not going to conquer this in a day."

Ouch.
How can someone who has known me for 2 months have me pegged so well.
Hm.
Must really be God.

So, yes. Patience. With myself especially. I don't know why I can have so much grace, patience, whatever with other people but next to none for myself. Somehow I think I need to build Rome in a day lest the world come crashing down around my ears.

Will the world come to a screeching halt if I take a deep breath, relax, just be myself and enjoy life, God and myself even with all my foibles? As long as I maintain my salvation....no.....the world will not come to a screeching halt.

I think somewhere along the way I have obtained an overdeveloped sense of urgency.
And it affects absolutely everything.

Or maybe it's the fact that in a year and two months I'll be 40.

Whatever the problem maybe I should focus on patience.
Joy in little things.
Childlikeness.
Long term vision & development.
In just all things.
Drop the "urgency" for a while that is driving me like an abused wife.

Yeah. Patience. With myself.

I'm on a journey...I'm not dashing for a destination.

I will not ever "arrive", if you will, so why not enjoy the flowers along the way and stop obsessing about "getting there."

Yeah. I really do need patience with myself.
Maybe Kelly's right.

Surely You Jest....Fencing Lesson 247 (Sept 22, 2008)

Yes, there have been multiple things God has done in my heart over the past few weeks through my fencing class that I have not posted.

I think I have lost count on all the "life lessons" so I'm just picking up at 247.

Ha. 24/7. Funny. And I merely picked that number at random.

Ok. That's not the point.

Last night one of my "fencing mentors"......(these are the people that seem to repeatedly speak into my life and includes Kelly who is my coach....as well as Mike & Jason, two fencing buddies).....so my fencing mentor Mike asked me if I was planning to participate in the KCFC Tournament next weekend to which I responded with a resounding "no!"

Not to be thwarted he ended up pulling out of me the fact that I did not want to lest I make a fool out of myself. (I mean, really, how good could I possibly be after a month and 1/2???) He observed that this was not a good enough reason. So, I finally acquiesced.

On the way home I was praying/thinking this through. And it was revealed to me that I was buried under a performance anxiety. That I felt my acceptance is based on how well I do. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't...but I cannot base my life on it either way.

Well, Fencing Lesson 247 "you need to deal with basing your acceptance in the eyes of others on your performance" blended together with "where do I base out of" Lesson 456.

Larry has been telling me for months that he thought the Lord was just giving me a choice about where to live & base out of. I just flat out did not believe him. This week two separate people came to me and said the Lord told them to let me know He was giving me a choice. I could leave and all He had for me would come to pass (i.e. -- He would prosper me) or I could stay and He would prosper me. It was totally my choice.

Well, I flipped. I was completely overwhelmed. And I realized I did not trust myself to make the right decision. Or even a good decision. I have always just done what He asked me to do. Now He was trusting me to decide? No way. Then I got to thinking...."why not? What am I worried about?" And I realized I thought if I made the wrong decision He might not love me anymore. Ouch. More "performance anxiety."

So, last night I have this dream. And in the dream the person representing the Father looked at me and said "Leigh, do you have any idea how much you are loved?" And I awoke and had to honestly say.....No. I don't have any idea how much I am loved." Not by God, not by anyone. Especially by God.

So. Yes. Performance based acceptance. The fear that I will not be loved or will be abandoned if I am not good at something. Or everything.

Looks like I'll be grubbing into that with God this week.

Yee haa.

I can only imagine what the tournament will be like with God using it to heal my heart.
Scary. I hope I don't get sick to my stomach.....

And y'all are all probably wondering what I'm going to choose, eh?? :)

En Garde... (Aug 30, 2008)

Yes, so maybe I've watched Prince Caspian too many times.

And no, I am nowhere in this picture, but isn't it cool?

All that being observed these fencing classes are really doing a work in my inner man. And unexpectedly so.

In my blog before last I mentioned how God was teaching me about identity through my coach. That was Lesson 1.

Lesson 2 was the understanding that I needed to go back and release alot of fear, pain and odd paradigms from all those years in Latin America. For the first couple of weeks I was doing really odd things at two extremes. On the one hand I was just standing there and turning my head while my opponent stabbed me. I wasn't really trying to defend myself. On the other hand, when I got over that I was hitting too hard, as if I were fighting for my life.

All during that lesson and once I got home I was praying/thinking. Asking God what in the world was going on inside of me. I became aware that I was either allowing myself to be "martyred" as it were or at a emotional level I really thought I was fighting for my life. It was really strange. But these were things the Lord allowed to surface for they needed to be dealt with and healed before I could go overseas again.

Thursday night was Lesson 3. The blessing of good covering......

I got hit awfully hard in the arm night before last when my opponent's blade slid off the plastic protector and went into my arm a little forcefully. So hard in fact that when we took a water break I went over to a wall and was rubbing out my arm, in seriously severe pain. I don't typically show pain easily but it must have been all over my face or something because when Kelly walked into the room she took one look at me and said "are you ok? Do you need to be done?" My grandaddy always told me I was hard-headed...I started to say "no, I'm ok" ( I so was not ok) but was pre-empted halfway through my sentence when Kelly went behind me, unzipped my jacket thus informing me I was done. And the gesture bore no argument.

I hated being side-lined but the Lord spoke to me in this. He showed me the value of good covering. Not just any covering mind you, but good covering. Good covering not only is secure it's it own identity but it also seeks to protect and dispense wisdom for the safety and growth of those "underneath." I have seen enough bad covering in my day to make me almost prefer no covering. But, no, God is showing me that good covering protects, guards and carries me....especially when I can no longer carry myself or am exhibiting stupidity that will only destroy me in the long run.

Wow. When I asked God if I could take fencing just for fun and He said "yes" I never would have guessed that He was going to use it to re-work and re-establish so many of my internal paradigms.

I guess this is what it means to be in intimate communion with Him through all of life....

The Art of Fencing: Humility & My Inner World (from Aug 26, 2008)

Fencing was supposed to be fun. Exciting. And just darned good exercise.

Well, apparently God had other things in mind.

Things like looks into the depths of my soul and life lessons.

I feel a little banged up in more than one way.
Good grief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So....what am I learning? (other than how to bloody my knees...)

From my instructor, Kelly, I'm actually seeing what walking in your identity looks like. Something God has been trying to get me to understand lately. I'm getting it. Because I'm seeing it.

From the bouts Sunday afternoon I learned that things like being on Communist Guerrilla hit lists, living in a quasi-cannabilistic tribe, being attacked by street people, watching atrocities overseas that I will not mention...etc....has taken more of a toll that I knew.

So, it's inner healing and identity time. I'm game.
It's good to find God and His lessons in everything.

(Today I will comment on lesson 1. I'll get to a blog on lesson 2 later this week.)

Lesson 1:
I've watched Kelly for a few weeks now and have seen in her a humility that is unusual. Refreshing. And makes you want to be humble yourself. I see Jesus in it.

If you ask her about her fencing history you discover she coached at a college. Somehow she failed to mention that she won a silver medal at a Senior World Championship and coached the Senior World Championships in Seoul Korea. (I found that out by accident when I was browsing the fencing center website for workout info).

I found myself wondering how someone gets that kind of humility. And, in light of that, the stunning patience she shows with all of us pathetic students. How does that happen? Just being around her you think "nice kind lady who cares about helping me improve my lousy fencing skills", you're not thinking "Good night, World Champion who could kill me 40 times before I even lift my foot." How does she do that?

And God told me.
It's a matter of identity.
When you know who you are and you're secure in that reality, you become humble, gracious, gentle....because you have nothing to prove. You know who you are. That Christ-like quality is what I am seeing in her.

I have heard of the concept. I've even read about it. But, to my knowledge, I'd not ever seen walked out. Alot of people who claim to "know who they are" are actually selfish and difficult. Hardly humble. Not so here. I had heard about it with my ears, but now I have seen it with my eyes....and I want to walk in it too.

What I learned is that if I really really understand who God is and therefore who I am in Him...in other words...if I really have my identity settled, then I will naturally walk in humility, in gentleness, in peace. I will be able to lift up the weak and encourage them. I will have nothing to prove and my energy will not be wasted trying to prove it.

I want this.
I want what Kelly has.
I want to be like Jesus.