Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Filleted by an Icicle


My soul, spirit, heart...pick a part....was laid open on so many levels at the Icicle Invitational this weekend. There are more angles on this than I know what to do with.

Thus, I may be generating several blogs.
Some fun...others just....deep.

This one....a bit on the deep side.
(Although I look forward to getting to one that explores the sense of wonder later today.)

But for the moment I am looking at this, once again, from the "why God?" perspective.

My dear friend Marnie made a comment today on FaceBook that again got me thinking "why God?". Like, really, WHY? Where are we going with this? What are You thinking? And "dang! I should spend New Year's in Trappist Monasteries more often if Gold Medals and E ratings are the result!" ;)

The main reality of Sunday's Tournament is God. No, for real. Ok, yes there was some skill involved thanks to the coaching and teaching I received and one experienced fencer made the comment that it was amazing that I could do "XYZ" moves and etc in only 5 months and I obviously had natural talent...that was way interesting...not sure if that's true or not. So, that does exist and I'll get to that in a later blog too....

.....nevertheless.....

....the reality is THIS SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IN ONLY 5 MONTHS.

And I knew that going into it.
My desire and goal for the day (other than not getting sick, which I didn't do) was to go, meet some neat people, have a good time with them, and see if there was a difference between fencing men all the time and fencing women.

I attained all my goals. It was one of the most fun days of my life ever in that regard....
....but I also walked away with a Championship and an E rating....
What the heck?

I have finally arrived at the place where I can accept that because God is so in love with me, as with us all, He has given me fencing, the relationships therein and the wonder and joy of it.

I mean, I really do love the feel of that sword in my hand.
I've always been sort of like that and now I really get to do it.
So, I can easily go with the fact that I had a good day because God just poured out.

But winning? Hello! I expect some of that element is still involved but it throws me, again, into, where are You going with this???

If it truly is all about life lessons and encouragement...about coming alive again and finding joy....about long buried parts of my personality being called back into life....well we are surely accomplishing that!

If it's about realizing I can be "good" at something, or better, if I can succeed and no one is threatened by that but instead cheer, encourage me, and state how proud they are of me (which is not a normal thing for me to see)...then we definitely accomplished that as well. I was waiting to lose all my friends over this, esp my fencing ones, and it did not happen. They are so amazing. Where did God find people like this and why did He allow me to be around them???

So, yes, for those of you who know about the "Leigh do you have any idea how much you are loved" dream, allow me to tell you "Yes! I am getting a clue from all of you!!" (if you don't know about it, feel free to ask)

But a trophy? A rating? Why?

So, the question I have been struggling with for months comes again. Have much do I give myself to this???? Compared to other activities.....not compared to how much I give myself to God.

Every single point I fought for I went into it asking God to fence with me, stating (as I learned from Sherraine Schalm's book Running with Swords) that this did not define me, God does, and it was up to Him whether or not I got the touch/won the bout. So, I fence with God. Or, better, I am learning to fence with God......also thanks to Brandon Carter and his gutsy to-the-point lesson on that.

So, God fences with me. I fence with God. The Dust of Heaven sprinkled on the dust of earth.
It is not about choosing between God and fencing or whatever.
I can do this with Him, as I should.

It's not a question of whether or not He intends to love me in and through this.
It's obvious that He does.

What I can't get is.....how much do I give myself to this as opposed to other activities?
Is this the road God really does want me to walk with Him?
At some level, yes, but what does that level look like?

I mean, yes, it was a small event.
Yes, I should not have "won", in theory....even if I had been fencing only two 80 year olds.
No, I do not believe God loves me more than anyone else there.

And, yes, at least some of it was skill.
The sword was in my hand.
And I did come home with a trophy and a rating.
So at come level, something is possible.

Let's be balanced about this.

So, God, once again I ask.....
What are You thinking?
Where are we going with this?
Why are we going there?
Who are we going with?
And how can I partner with You in it?

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