What is it about being at the deadly end of a weapon that brings the deepest vulnerabilities of my soul to the surface? I wish I knew.
It's been a weird week.
For quite a while now, maybe even a whole month, things have been somewhat settled and fine.
This has left me nothing to write about but at least God and I were not grabbing spoons and digging things out of my gut. Gee, could we ever use a knife and make it quick and easy? Oh well.
Thankfully we are at the tail-end of everything....which I guess is why things are coming up and getting dealt with quickly. And better to finally have things gone, it's so much easier after that.
Cleaner.
Healed.
Like the fear thing.
I'm really glad that one surfaced and got quickly dealt with. (thank you Anita!)
So, a whole calm month and now we're back to spoons.
If I'm honest, the reason it's been calm is I had my heart just walled off with an "I just really don't care, whatever" glaze that let things slide off like water from a duck's back but wasn't real and didn't allow for honesty nor thus true intimacy, and certainly no growth and healing.
That really is only found through being the true self.
Yet I am also seeing that letting the true self emerge creates it's own set of problems.
You do/say things that even you know better than to do/say and you have to re-calibrate.
You allow real parts of your personality to emerge and they frustrate people....again.
Like the need to think things through and process.
Or worse, the fact that I think and process a bit differently (as pointed out again and again through life)....
I think almost backwards when trying to problem solve (thanks to Sam who finally pinpointed this) ...much to everyone's great confusion and frustration.
So, yes, all of this is churning around in me and surfacing in the fencing club....even if it isn't all happening there.....
Where else would God choose to deal with me?
The frustrating thing about having all of this constantly surface is that no one on the planet right now could possibly be more loved and encouraged than I am.
And surely not more supported.
So I hate the fact that I cannot just settle down and "be normal" and "just get over it".
Yet I know that I am at the tail end of finally being able to completely heal and release the last remnants of past junk because no one on the planet right now could possibly be more loved and encouraged than I am. And surely not more supported.
(Geez but I feel sorry for the precious ones that I work with and fence with.)
Anyway..... so what is it this month?
First, I've found that I have very little instinct to defend myself.
I either want to back away (not so common), just stand there and get hit, merely flinch a little or finally step into an attack with the intent to impale.....even if I get nicked in the process.
It's gotten a little weird to me that I want to wade right into the attack and not wait for an opening.
Especially when I am very threatened, like with Kelly in the drill we were doing yesterday, I still feel like I'm fighting for my very life.
Suddenly it's not a sport or a game.
And I either tense and cower and let myself be "killed" as it were or I finally get cornered, stand my ground and go straight into the attack without thought aiming right for the heart.
It rarely occurs to me to aim for an arm or knee for a "point"....no....I want to take the threat out completely.
At least if I'm fencing "from my guts" without thinking.
If I think I'm ok.
Which is indicative of something.
Which can be seen throughout my life (emotionally not physically!) and it explains a lot.
A whole heck of alot.
I tend to stand there and take things and take things and take things until I explode.
I have been taught not to defend myself or stand up for myself or my thoughts/opinions.
And I have apparently been taught too well which leads to a whole other set of problems.
Second to arise..... the raw spot of rejection.
Coupled with the really raw spot of being misinterpreted and/or misunderstood.
(which is why I don't like for people to "assume" what I'm thinking....)
Then, thanks to those who care enough about me to desire that I would overcome, it was pointed out that I spend too much time saying "I can't" (ala Mike) and that I just have no confidence in myself. (ala Jake)
And it's true. I know it's true.
But how do I overcome that? I have no idea.
Too many years of just being torn down and shredded....
Told that I wasn't any good....
Treated like I wasn't any good......
Until I believed it and was worn down to a nub.
And I have learned that if I hide who I am (both strong and vulnerable parts)
....hide that I am smart
....hide that if I worked hard I might be able to do something (but I do need to work hard)
....hide the fact that I really need to think something through to "get it"
..... hide the dreams and desires
.....hide my exuberance and my loud laugh and my playfulness
.....hide my analytical, deep, serious side
If I hide all these things and am not my real self then I cannot be rejected.
I cannot be misunderstood.
I will not frustrate people.
I am capable of playing the game. I really am.
And if I believe first that I suck then no one else can hurt me by either saying it or giving me the "you're an idiot" look.
I'm safe.
Or so I think........
But I have seen the other side over and over as well.
My ability to be real, to be open, to be honest about my "past" etc etc does at times give others the freedom to open up and be real.
And sometimes gives them the freedom to be their true self.
There is great, great benefit in that.
Great benefit.
And I have seen/learned/been through enough that I am not quick to judge, reject, treat you like you're stupid etc. (although I admit I am not perfect at this)
Maybe that's loving well.....which is my highest goal in life.
Maybe my standing there in pools of my own blood....
....whether because I'm working through something to improve (skill-wise or emotion-wise)
....or I am choosing to live wholly out of myself even if misunderstood or rejected at some level
....or the fact that I continue to fell under-par with fencing no matter what I do ;)
is the thing that will free someone else I am in contact with in life.
Maybe.
I've seen it before.
Multiple times.
The laying down of your own life that others might live.
Kinda like teaching.....or coaching.....you lay yourself down that others might gain.
Hm. Maybe.
So, what is it about being at the deadly end of a weapon that brings the deepest vulnerabilities of my soul to the surface?
Not sure, but I hope I have the sense to grab the bull by the horns, even though it hurts like hell and I am choosing a difficult weakness, and let God finish putting my pieces back together so I can come out stronger......
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