Perspective - - Cutting Myself Some Slack

I woke up this morning with the oddest perspective on my night.....

Frustration?
Wait, I actually FEEL and EXPRESS frustration??
What a victory.
I'm actually fighting again.
Granted, it needs to be honed, refined, channeled better, whatever.
It doesn't look pretty. Not pretty at all.
But it's there.
I am actually fighting again.

What the.....?
Where did that come from?

And I'm defining my thoughts again.
Finding myself, with people other than Larry, saying "no, actually what I'm thinking is....."
I actually have an opinion.
No, better, I'm actually expressing it.

And I'm actually engaging in playful banter again.
With sarcasm.

And I actually asked someone of they were upset with me last night.
Out loud. In real life. Like, not in an email.

And I'm starting to see what I believe/think again, what I like, what would be fun to do.

And I'm trusting people.
And opening up with what's really going on in my heart & mind.

Dear God in heaven, I'M ALIVE.

When did that happen?

Ok, ok, yeah, I know it's not all that pretty.
But it's real.
Like unmasked sort of real.
Non-legalistic sort of real.

And I get to sift all that through and hone things.
(like in my fencing discovery of reflexes and such)
I get to figure it out again, without having to bow to the "have to's" and masking for survival.

You were right Selenia.
It IS a year of self-discovery.
Yes, you're right in that it is painful.
But I am emerging with a sense of....well....everything.

I actually feel frustration.
I am actually fighting through it.
I am fighting to figure out how I think.
WHY I think the way I do.
What's real and good and true about me and what needs to go.

I AM ALIVE.

And I am learning to stand my ground.
It's MY piste.
No, really, it is.

I have no idea what to do with that.
After a long life of....things.....and the death of 2 friends last year, which was the last straw....
.....I pretty much died inside.....
I crawled inside of myself emotionally and most thought I just wasn't going to make it.
It got to a point where I was allowed 2 weeks to start pulling out of my deep dark depression or be put on Prozac.

So the journey back into life began March of 2008.
Yep. A little over a year ago only.

And here I sit totally AMAZED that I am feeling and expressing frustration.
Because for me that a sign that I'm fighting.

And if I'm fighting then I am very, very alive.
And the next step for me is confidence.

Which could still be months off.
It took me a year to start fighting and standing on what I think is right.

But what a thought to know that I might be on the cusp of....confidence......assurance....

Wow.