Friday, March 27, 2009

Take Time to Deliberate....


I realize no one can get inside my head except me.

Thus, no one can really understand the questions and struggles.
Nor can they come up with the solution.

Part of that problem is that as people we so rarely really listen.
I don't care what the topic...theology, car mechanics, fencing....
....we sit prepared with our pat "sunday school" answer that we have in our heads...
...and we spew it out regardless of whether or not it actually pertains to the question.....
And we feel great about ourselves, assume the other person is just an idiot if they don't get our terrific answer and go our merry way.

But we have not heard nor touched the heart.

God spare me from living this way towards others.
Especially towards those I love.

Realizing this, I understand that I alone can solve my fencing questions.
I, really, am the only one inside my head.
I alone know how I process and how I tick.
And the way I do it just is ok. I need to grasp this reality.
Even if it means I have to analyze fencing to death, pick it apart and then apply it.

Sort of like Napoleon Bonaparte saying:
"Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go in."

I have failed to take the time to deliberate.
I stopped thinking, I detoured off of what I knew I needed to do, and now the consequences are rearing their ugly heads. Mostly in my own attitude.

I need the time to deliberate so that when the time for action comes, I can go in.

And that's ok.
It's just me.
And that really is ok.
Hm.

It's true for fencing.

It's also true for my relationship with God.

But that's a whole 'nother blog......

Monday, March 16, 2009

St.Pat's Slash - - The Defining Moment


Winning is fun.
Medals are great.
But that's not what defines the greatest moments in a tournament for me.

Granted, I tend to "show my colors" a bit more than I should in my home club...
...but my greatest desire in a tournament is not to win but to come away with my integrity and character intact.

Sherraine Schalm, Canadian Olympic Epee Fencer, in her book "Running with Swords" says : " Only people who pursue goodness instead of greatness can make adversaries into friends."

Although I am not the best at it my desire truly is to pursue goodness.
Greatness as a bonus wouldn't be too awful though. ;)

So...
I win my semi-final bout and am up for a shot at the gold.

I go over to watch the other two women who are fencing, wondering who my opponent will be.
One is a 19 year old and the other a lady in her 50's.
One older than me and the other young enough to be my daughter.

It's a close bout but goes to the young lady. 15 - 14.
The shake hands but then the older woman turns around and slams her mask into the floor.
The young lady who won looked like she felt guilty.
It was a rough moment.

After a 10 minute break she and I go onto the piste to see who will end up with gold.
Off we go and at 14-14 the time runs out.
The Director flips a coin and she gets the toss (priority), meaning, if I do not get a point she will win the bout.
Ugh. I always hate that.

So, we fence. I have one minute to get this done and I do not succeed.
I lost.

Off come the masks.

We shake hands and with great joy and all sincerity (she fought an amazing bout!!) I look her in the eye and say "it was SUCH a privilege fencing you! Well done."

I didn't think I had done anything impressive, I was just being who I am, but as I said that she dropped her mask, and hugged me.
I just held her for a few moments, reassuring her that it really was ok and she had done well.
She said "thank you"
and we both walked away.

Yes, I didn't get the gold.
But I know I walked away with something way more important that could have never occurred had I won.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Feminine Fighters - - A Delightful Paradox?


The one lesson I have not yet taught in PureHeart is "The True Feminine."

Maybe it's the one I'll be teaching in April/May for it's sure been on my mind lately.

And even moreso this week as I mull over what it might look like to fight in real life, as opposed to in a tournament.

What does that look like as woman?

Is it possible to be formidable in battle and still be....well.....female?

Do I have to maintain a constant desire to run around shooting people, being strong, winning everything, having a "get over it" attitude?

On the other hand, do I always have to be weeping over things, patting an offender's hand, being all mushy, compassionate, blowing every offense off or whatever?

A la Dean Sherman (YWAM) I am aware that (and I quote) "if you stand naked in front of a mirror and you have female parts you are a real woman, if you have male parts, you are a real man."

True. But there's a bit more to it than that.

What makes one not female, but feminine, and can that be maintained in a battle?

I believe, that what makes one feminine is the inner world.
The state of the heart.
How you treat people.
Being tender yet strong.
Not outward adornment, as it were, but inner beauty.
Wholeness, steadiness, strength, compassion, gentleness, good boundaries.
Steel Magnolias.

I had a friend who was, ah, "switching lifestyles" and went on an irritating tangent about pink.
It became as if every woman had to wear pink.
If you wore a pink shirt automatically you were feminine.
It absolutely drove me insane.
To the point where I was ordering a fencing bag and informed Kelly that it could not be pink.
I kept thinking in this situation: "no, you're a jerk, that's what makes you not feminine. Not the lack of a pink shirt. Honey, tenderize your heart."

Yah. It makes sense.
The inner workings of the heart.
The ability to be vulnerable and walking in that.
Gentleness, kindness, tenderness.
But also knowing when to be tough.
Not mean, not a jerk, just standing firm.

So, it is possible then to be a feminine fighter.

It's to not live in a puddle all the time.
It's to not be angry and cynical ever.
It is to be tough and know when to fight.
And fighting hard.
And weeping afterwards because the world should not have to be this way.

It's being both and all.
Knowing when.

Appropriateness.

True Femininity.

Scary Men with Weapons - - Learning to Deal











Mike made a comment Thursday night that was so funny at the time....and now very....well.....thought provoking.

The comment was made when I was getting ready to fence a counterattacker (which stresses me to no end) and Mike said I should get out there and deal with my fears.

I laughed and made some comment about how that's all I've been doing for the past 6 months.

This morning I was reflecting back on that and realized that God really has been taking me through a journey of dealing with my fears. Especially these past 6 months at the Fencing Center.

As I thought back on blogs I have written and different incidents it becomes so obvious that two things are occurring.

One - - learning how not to fear big scary men with weapons.
Two - - dealing with my heart with the angle of pulling out the "tough/stand in"side of me.

In light of things that have come up recently I cannot help but wonder.
"Things that make you go...hmmmmm."

Hm, indeed.

Granted, there are a few other things in the mix.
But the majority of what has been happening is dealing with fear.

Fear of others...
....like men with scary swords...
....people I cannot figure out how to relate to well....
....fear of destroying someone else even though my heart is right....

And fear of myself....
.....of unleashing my own heart....
.....fear of trusting my own heart....
.....fear of "becoming"....

Oh, and fear of failure. We're hacking on that one right now.
Of giving my best and it not being good enough.
Thus my team loses.....or, translated, someone dies.....

It's the core of my "perfection".
....what if I fail and someone else gets hurt or loses or....dies?

Anyway,
Yes, dealing with fear of scary men with weapons.

Interesting.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Yes, Kelly, with Authority

There's a look in my eye that I remember from times long gone.
Confidence. Strength. Assuredness. Authority. Calculated, no less.

Yes, I remember.
But I had forgotten.
Or maybe....well, maybe....I quit on it.
No, I think I set it aside because it was no longer appropriate.
Hm. Both.

Yes, it's not that I cannot be decisive and in full command.
It's that right now the authority is not mine.
I know what I am capable of.
It just hasn't been the time or the place.

But, also, I had forgotten.

At least until this past Wednesday night.

How does Kelly do it?
I swear.
It's so jolting, these bolts out of the blue, and thus so deeply impacting.

A simple fencing drill.
We are laughing, cutting up, having a good time as we are wont to do on occasion.
Then Kelly looks at me and says I need to have authority..."take my blade with authority"...
What the heck?
(Hello, out of nowhere.)
It jolted me for an instant and has not left me since.

Authority.
Geez. First it was cockiness, now it's authority.
Yes, I hear. Yes, I understand.
I cannot explain it but it went through my soul like a knife through hot butter.
I absolutely must learn to walk in authority again.
It's true.

But, where?
It's not my place to do so in the fencing center.
I am not in charge, Kelly is.
I have bowed to that, maybe too much, since I walked in the door.
But, if you cannot follow well, you cannot lead well.
At work I have the same paradox.

Hm.

Maybe it's an internal thing.
A paradigm shift that merely stands at the ready.

At any rate, it was a much needed word.
Yes, "cocky", as it were.
Moreso, authority.

And suddenly it may matter more than I realized.
Which I cannot expound on via internet.

I think I'll go out and rent Mission Impossible......

Monday, March 2, 2009

Fencing & Boundaries

Fencing is an odd thing.
Driving home last night I got it....really got it....for the first time.

THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT.

All those times, all those years, all those things.
They really did not have the right. No one has that right.

It was a serious epiphany.
I never really got it before.
Not inside.
In my head, yes, ok.
But not in my emotions.
In my heart.
In the deepest depths of my inner man.

I thought "laying down your rights" meant laying down everything that you are.
No. No, damnit, just no.

Maybe it means laying down my right to a new car.
Or to living in the city I choose.
Or maybe even the right to my physical life.
But it does not mean laying down or giving up ownership of myself.

I cannot explain this.

And it does not mean I get to be a jerk.
The gentles heart remains.
But not a heart than allows itself to be internally violated.
It does not kill the fire that burns deep within my spirit NOR the one in my soul.

I cannot explain it.
But I get it.

You do not have the right.
This is my strip. Get the hell of off it.

"Gee, I'm really sorry you have to die."

"Gee, I'm Really Sorry You Have To Die"

A friend of mine at the Office gave us all a link to the Meyers-Briggs Personality Test.

I took it and it came out so accurate it was almost frightening!

As expected, my personality was one that less than 2% of the human race has.
A strong leadership personality.

The details got me thinking and realizing that, although all things can be taken to an unhealthy extreme, so many of the things I have been tucking away are just good parts of who I am.

Actaully the way God created me to be.
Parts I found myself opening up last night in fencing.....

Two quotes I loved:

TRADEMARK: -- "I'm really sorry you have to die."
(I love this becasue it shows the mix of compassion with a warrior)

Decisive. They see what needs to be done, and frequently assign roles to their fellows.
Few other types can equal their ability to remain resolute in conflict, sending the valiant (and often leading the charge) into the mouth of hell.

There was so much more.....but I'll leave it at this because it's just fun.



Oh that this would continue to come open in me and be channeled properly!! ;)
(inside voice, Leigh, inside voice)