Just Rawness (Nov 7, 2008)

Why can I not get past this wall in my heart?

And why has God put me in a fencing class to pull out all these painful things?

I feel like a filleted fish...just all laid open in class, three times a week no less.... all my guts out there to see and everyone picking out the bones.

I know it is so good for me.
I know it is the Hand of God.
But, oh, it is so painful, so confusing at times.

Like today.

Like -- why am I angry? I am not THIS frustrated with fencing.
Like -- why can I not try and be wrong? It's as if I think the whole world will crumble if I do.
Like -- why am I afraid of my heart being so wide open? It feels panicky.
Like -- why do I feel powerless? Why do I feel like I have no voice? And that if I chose to have a voice that would be "ungodly" or "lacking in meekness?"

I feel like I want to fight everything and everyone.
And for the most part no one is actually doing anything wrong.
And so I lose a fencing bout....why do my emotions rise up like the world is ending?

It makes no sense.
And yet it makes tons of sense.

Here we go with the inner healing again.

Oh how I wish I could just go in there and try, even if I am "100% wrong."
Just make a choice and go with it.
But then the niggling voice rises up "if you're wrong it will all fall apart, someone will get hurt, you will get hurt, you cannot trust your own instincts...."

Hm. I know where THAT comes from.
And it's not fencing.
I assume I am wrong before I even start in most things.
I only try these days what I know 100% I will be able to do.
Because to fail incurs disaster in one form or another.\
And someone gets hurt.

I really really do not trust my own instincts.
Because I HAVE failed 100%.
And my world did fall apart.

How do you start over from there?

I have no idea.....

But, I do know that God is pushing the buttons.
And pushing them hard.
Really hard.

Maybe there is hope in that....