Yes, there have been multiple things God has done in my heart over the past few weeks through my fencing class that I have not posted.
I think I have lost count on all the "life lessons" so I'm just picking up at 247.
Ha. 24/7. Funny. And I merely picked that number at random.
Ok. That's not the point.
Last night one of my "fencing mentors"......(these are the people that seem to repeatedly speak into my life and includes Kelly who is my coach....as well as Mike & Jason, two fencing buddies).....so my fencing mentor Mike asked me if I was planning to participate in the KCFC Tournament next weekend to which I responded with a resounding "no!"
Not to be thwarted he ended up pulling out of me the fact that I did not want to lest I make a fool out of myself. (I mean, really, how good could I possibly be after a month and 1/2???) He observed that this was not a good enough reason. So, I finally acquiesced.
On the way home I was praying/thinking this through. And it was revealed to me that I was buried under a performance anxiety. That I felt my acceptance is based on how well I do. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't...but I cannot base my life on it either way.
Well, Fencing Lesson 247 "you need to deal with basing your acceptance in the eyes of others on your performance" blended together with "where do I base out of" Lesson 456.
Larry has been telling me for months that he thought the Lord was just giving me a choice about where to live & base out of. I just flat out did not believe him. This week two separate people came to me and said the Lord told them to let me know He was giving me a choice. I could leave and all He had for me would come to pass (i.e. -- He would prosper me) or I could stay and He would prosper me. It was totally my choice.
Well, I flipped. I was completely overwhelmed. And I realized I did not trust myself to make the right decision. Or even a good decision. I have always just done what He asked me to do. Now He was trusting me to decide? No way. Then I got to thinking...."why not? What am I worried about?" And I realized I thought if I made the wrong decision He might not love me anymore. Ouch. More "performance anxiety."
So, last night I have this dream. And in the dream the person representing the Father looked at me and said "Leigh, do you have any idea how much you are loved?" And I awoke and had to honestly say.....No. I don't have any idea how much I am loved." Not by God, not by anyone. Especially by God.
So. Yes. Performance based acceptance. The fear that I will not be loved or will be abandoned if I am not good at something. Or everything.
Looks like I'll be grubbing into that with God this week.
Yee haa.
I can only imagine what the tournament will be like with God using it to heal my heart.
Scary. I hope I don't get sick to my stomach.....
And y'all are all probably wondering what I'm going to choose, eh?? :)
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