August 12 and Fencing Decisions

It's hard to believe that on Aug 12 I will have been fencing for one year.
A whole year.
Crazy.

When I walked in the door of that gym I remember being positively ill.
Ok. Well, I actually stopped at a gas station half-way there and got ill.
Just to be honest about it all.

I promised myself that I would give fencing one year.
I figured one year was enough to decide if I were going to be happy fencing.
If I would be able to understand it and figure it out.
If I had any potential in the sport.
If I would get along with my coach.
If I would get along with my fencing mates.
If this would be something God had for me long-term.

So. Here I am.
Just a few weeks out from Decision Day.

A thousand things are going through my head.
Mostly wondering what the answers to my questions are, here, a year later. (almost)

1. Do I get along with my coach? Quite well. She amazes me. And I have no doubt how much she loves me.

2. Do I get along with my fencing mates? Splendidly. They are some of the most awesome people I have ever known.

3. Do I have any potential in the sport? Well. Maybe. Not sure how to judge that.

4. Do I understand it and can I figure it out? No. I don't understand it. I am so confused every time I set foot on the strip.
But can I figure it out? Maybe. But I really want to start over from scratch and sort everything out.

5. Am I happy fencing? When I get on the strip and something makes sense even if I fail at the attempt. Yes. When I get on there and I feel lost & confused? No.

6. Most importantly....IS this something God has for me long-term. It would appear so. Absolutely everything seems to point in that direction, though I have never really understood why.

It's weird to me that Nationals came right here so close to my one year mark.
It disturbs me that it messed me up on so many deep levels.

I cannot remember the last time I felt that vulnerable.
Nor the last time I allowed anyone to SEE me that vulnerable.
Nor the last time I allowed someone to step into that vulnerable place.

And it wasn't an issue of winning or losing.
It was an issue of getting out there and feeling totally lost.
Absolutely confused.
Humiliated.
Devalued.
I hated that feeling.
I hate it every time I experience it at the fencing center.

Can I endure that for another year?
Can I find a place of understanding that will at least keep me from feeling dehumanized?

I'm not sure.

This past year has taught me alot.
It's true. It really is.
But if this next year is equally stripping...equally painful....another year of agonizing lessons.....
....well.....I just don't know.......
I really, truly don't know.

I wanted to learn to coach one day.
What a joke.
I cannot even figure it out for myself...how would I ever be able to explain it to someone else?
And I would not even know where to begin in explaining how sad and painful that is too.

But it seems to be where God has me.
And I do love my coach and I want to be with my fencing mates.
And Kelly said that we would fix this.
That we would make it all better.

And I believe her.

I find myself hoping this "second year" is the "second weapon" from my dream.....????

Maybe so. Maybe not.

But I have to decided by Aug 12......